Evie 187Comment

Lately, I’ve been having these dreams…romantic dreams. Not sexual, just romantic, but painfully romantic. You know, the way romance felt when you were a super-hormonal teenager, and just a fleeting glance from your crush could send you into a tizzy? Those kinds of dreams.

I’m sure it’s my subconscious’s way of telling me that romance is almost absent from my life right now. This probably has something to do with there being a newborn and a toddler in the house, who (as lovely as they are) suck up pretty much all the energy and affection me and my husband have to offer. No one really tells you what distance introducing a baby into the family can place between husband and wife, at least for a while.

Sure, women have penned magazine articles and blog posts on babies adding tension to a relationship, but few moms, even many of my friends, are willing to come clean about how rocky (or worse, platonic) things can get after you give birth.

Want to hear my perspective four years after I wrote this? Tune in to this episode of our podcast, Best Friend Banter.

In the six weeks since Baby J arrived, my husband and I have barely seen each other. I mean, sure, we see each other in the few hours each day after he gets home from work, but they’re completely consumed by dinner, dishes, two bedtime routines, bills, talk of work and daily minutiae, and maybe, just maybe, a half hour to sit on the couch and decompress in front of a mindless TV show. Then, after a quick goodnight kiss, we retire to separate bedrooms for the night.

During the two weeks of my husband’s paternity leave, we discovered a couple of things: Baby J is loud at night, with all her little newborn grunting as she squirms around; and my insomniac husband cannot sleep through the noise. We decided for everyone’s sanity that separate bedrooms is the way to go for the time being. I sleep with the baby in her bassinet at my bedside, and my husband is on-call in the guest room in case A wakes up.

Related:  Podcast #29: What No One Wants to Admit About Their Marriage After a Baby

eceSo right now, it feels like we’re little more than roommates. There, I said it.

Even when we exchange a hug and kiss goodnight, or goodbye before work in the morning, I have to physically distance myself from my husband, since contact with the incision from my c-section is still pretty uncomfortable.

It doesn’t help that I’m not feeling particularly desirable right now, either. My body is hanging onto the last bit of baby weight, and I’m stuck in almost-too-big maternity clothes or still-too-tight “fat jeans.” That haircut I scheduled for the week before my due date never happened, so my hair is completely overgrown and unruly. And too frequently, I smell faintly of spit-up, regardless of the fact that I can rarely locate the source.

Frumpiness and exhaustion do not equate with romance.

You know, it seems like moms are totally willing to dish on their kids: their bad behaviors, their aggravating habits, etc., etc. We overanalyze ourselves as parents, but we rarely speak candidly about our marriages. Is it because we’re afraid of others judging our relationships and doubting their stability, because we can divorce our spouses, but we’re stuck with our “annoying” kids forever?

I know this phase of my marriage, with all its challenges, will pass; I’ve been here before. And I know I’m not the only one with a room-mantic marriage right now. That’s why I’m not afraid to admit that it’s tough. We’ll get back to where we were with baby steps (no pun intended), like spending a whole, uninterrupted, TV-free hour together this weekend.

How did having a newborn in the house change your relationship? (Feel free to leave an anonymous comment, if you like.)

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187 thoughts on “What No One Wants to Admit About Their Marriage After a Baby

    1. Lisa, thank you for being the first to comment and confirm that I’m NOT the only one who has experienced this “roommate situation.” Apparently, you’re a brave woman! :)

    2. Wow!! Not the only one…totally doing the roommate thing. I’m breastfeeding and it just makes since to be in that room for her. We have a 7 year old, as I know it gets better!! We been together for 14 years, but I do miss the romantic nights, long conversations, and live sessions that aren’t prep landed and only last for a short time. I keep telling myself, this too will pass. Kinda like that long business trip or a few days apart…you really miss them and cannot wait for them to come back home!

      1. As the father of me and my wife 3 week old daughter i know what yall mean. Never get to spend time with my wife. The only time i really have is at night. I cant sleep much more than a couple hours if that. And she tosses and turns and our daughter grunts and randomly cries. Screams bloody murder for a little tiny drop of pee and stays quiet for a completely soiled diaper. I love our daughter to death but how long does or will it go on with me and my wife not being able to spend tome together? We are almost not together but still married if that makes sense. Our relationship is mostly distance and the exact opposite of romantic. I miss it.

        1. I’m in the same boat but my wife came to America from a different country. She is having the hardest time trying to “sleep train” him but she refuses to put him in a crib. The doctor has also informed her of the dangers but she doesn’t want to change. Our marriage is on the rocks, I’m afraid I might give in and throw in the towel.

          1. I feel your pain Shawn, same situation here however thing started going down hill after my our second child. I think when my wife had our third child I really noticed it. It was not just about sex. I could walk in the room and not even be acknowledged. I remember one day when my wife came home from work and I was holding my son. She walked over talking to him, kissed him and not once did she even make eye contact with me. I have to say that really hurts especially when it continues everyday. Sex happens once a month when she gets a littly hor*y. I stopped trying to initiate sex because I was turned down so much it got really iritating. We have talked and things would get better for 2 weeks and then would go back to the norm. I continued to provide massages and avoid giving her more work to do which was having s*x. I really believe when a women begin to think that way the relationship has a problem. Don’t misinterpret this and think this is the only focus. I love my wife and she is extremely attractive but I notice the way she doesn’t look at me or really acknowledge me as a husband unless her friends or certain people are around. It is quite comical that when an attractive women walks by she can pay me attention then only to see if I have glanced at this women. I love my kids and my wife but I have noticed after our third child things have only gotten worse for our relationship. I don’t want another child because I feel it would be the end of our relationship. Well let me stop complaining, I wish all of you the best.

    3. April 6th 2016…….my son is almost 4 months old and my honey and I dont even sleep in the same room and i feel like if i dont fix things soon we wont make it because since the baby everything has become a routine….

      1. I’ve been this way for 9 months now. I really don’t know what to do at this point.

        1. My baby is 9 months old and I’m in the same place. Is it bad that we’re still here after 9 months?

          1. Our baby is 1 year and 2 months now. We have been in separate rooms. She has a bed in a room with the crib. I often find the baby in bed with her, and we have not spent the night in the same bed since her early pregnancy. She was clearing out one of our spare bedrooms the other day to put a bed in(news to me). She wants to sleep away from the baby, but I am hurt that she did not even consider/consult joining me in the master bedroom. When I brought it up she got defensive and to avoid an argument I dropped the subject. I do not know what to do. She says she is tired all the time. We do not even share a hot meal together (she cannot cook but I do). If I cook she does not eat it. She says she is only focused on being a Mom and that is enough for her. I am likely leaving her this next month as I have visited a few town homes. It sounds selfish but I cannot do the roommate situation any longer with no end in sight. Am I over reacting?

          2. It may help you to hear that several older women with grown children confessed to me they lost loving feelings towards their partners after each baby but it did come back. Some said a couple months, some said many months.
            I am a new mother experiencing this right now. It scares the sh** out of me. I don’t want my baby to be raised by split parents. Although I don’t want anything to do with my partner right now and indeed feel I hate him, I know that we were in love, I know that we both love our child, I know that this is a temporary state even if it seems it isn’t. I am sorry it is so hard. I sincerely hope you find a way to weather the storm together and enjoy being there to watch your child grow.

          3. My boyfriend at the time of our first son decided to start counseling and things were going great..almost a year into it and got engaged and then found out number two was on its way. Well, number two is here and the first one is almost 3. Let’s just say we’re having a very challenging time with life. The book that never got handed out in school. Keep in mind we are just at 40 years old and this isn’t new for either of us, but parenting and being a “happy couple” daily is harder than it looks. I’m not sure what to do anymore. What to say, do or even how to look at my partner. I’ve cried myself to sleep several times only to realize that feeling sooty for myself won’t solve anything either. We resume counseling in another month in hopes to get us back on track. I’m so torn as a mother/ fiance/daughter/sister/woman; trying to play all these roles successfully 24/7 keeping in mind that I need to take care of myself too in order to take care of my loved ones! I want to take care of my boys and the man in my life but I am spread so thin some days I just get angry and it comes out all wrong. Then I remember a friend of mine once told me that I can start my day over as many times as I need to..its not too late to start over. Thank you for all your posts and the reminder!

    4. I am in this boat as well, right down to the romantic dreams. I keep having reoccurring dreams that I’m single and meet someone and we have that new falling in love feeling. Then towards the end of the dream I realize I’m already married. Our first is 5 months old and I breastfeed so that takes a lot of my time. We haven’t been intimate since way early on in my pregnancy. It feels so long ago that it’s almost uncomfortable to initiate it. The 2 times we tried, our baby woke up in the middle and the other was less than enjoyable for me. Week nights are full of dinner and getting ready for the next day. I am in our baby’s room for about an hr & 1/2 getting him to sleep and by the time I get myself showered and ready for bed my husband is usually passed out. We seem so separate and I feel like I spend all the quality time with our baby who gives me such joy but I miss my husband so much. He’s not good at talking things out so when I bring it up he just says it will get better. I honestly feel like we will never connect again. How long does this usually last? We have no family in the area to babysit so we have yet to do a date night. My husband would never go for the “reconnecting activities”.

      1. I’m in the boat…..my baby 6 mnths old if I say I’m tired, I’m complaining and it displeased him. He dislikes when 5he baby cries, fusses. Tonight he decided to help me with the baby And the baby is choking, I panicked and took over the care for our baby. Now he’s feuding at me saying I treat him horrible all the time. So I am quite and just keep my mouth shut cuz if it opens I’m complaining. My 2nd marriage, I feel I made a mistake getting married to an older person set in his ways. Am I wrong?

    5. My son is 3+ months old and I hate my husband daily. Wondering why, how we ever stayed together this long. 10 years. Part of the reason I waited to have children was fear of divorce. And now it feels a very real fear. Marriage was up and down before, but now it looks bleak. At best we just do what needs to be done, other days we completely disagree on parenting, cleaning, how time is spent etc. I cant stand him, he is filthy; messy, leaving wrappers everywhere, black smudges on his face from work, permanently stained hands, smelly, lower standards of caring for our possessions (leaving things out to rust etc)….Cleanliness is even more important now. Sometimes I am literally repulsed by the thought of intimacy. This has never been an issue before.It doesnt help there is added stress because we have a house under serious renovations that we now are in huge debt from and only half done. I’m talking the upstairs is gutted to the studs and we live in the basement. To add to our responsibilities we also have half an acre of lawn, a huge garden that has fallen to the way side, goats and a large dog. I had felt every bit was worth the effort. Now I desire a completely different life. I want out. I want my son and a clean and simple life so that our precious little spare time can be spent doing activities we enjoy. The thing is I loved my husband before, regardless of our differences and dislikes of each other and now I have trouble seeing how I overlooked them. And I sincerely hope to love my husband again; I want so badly for my son to have his parents together. Hate, resentment, longing, guilt, loss, sadness, pain, hopelessness are what I feel when I think about my once happy marriage. On the bright side I feel so much love for my son that it is overwhelming, I seem to have limitless patience when he is screaming in my ear and crying. At times I look into my baby’s eyes and it is just us and our breath. Here’s hoping it works out.

    6. Our daughter just turned a year old and my wife and I are clearly like roommates. She even stated she hates me sometimes. It’s tough. Hoping it turns around.

  1. Good for you for being so candid Evie!! I always joke that the “no sex for 6 wks post baby” rule is really just to give us exhausted new moms a break in one regard. :) I fortunately do have a group of mom friends who have a “therapy” play date once a week, where instead of spending the whole time talking about what our kids are/not doing, we vent, girl talk, or just share with each other. We always leave feeling so refreshed. Thank Heaven for girl talk!

    1. Boy are you lucky, Michelle! How nice to have girlfriends you see regularly, who you can talk to about the good and the bad. I’m curious to know whether you knew these women before you became moms. Does that have something to do with how forthcoming people are, I wonder?

      1. Yes, I absolutely think it has a lot to do with how forthcoming we are!! They are all my “new mom friends.” And we joke about how candid we are; that seeing each other is like a therapy session sometimes. Depends on the sitch, but if someone has an issue, she isn’t afraid to bring it up. I didn’t have this for a long time, and it can get lonely (transitioning to being a SAHM, friendships that change post-baby, not to mention my whole family being out of state). No one ever warned me of that. But I finally am in a really good place with friendships and this helps a lot! I’m happier in all aspects.

  2. Just fyi… all the research shows that marital satisfaction is at an all time low during the infancy-toddler period. Multiple children take a toll on a marriage because that infancy-toddler period just lasts too long! As the baby gets older you’ll feel more comfortable with a baby monitor and a bit of distance between you and the baby, that helps.

    We did a few things which seems to help in the romance area, but honestly, a lot of the time I’m just too tired to care. First, we got one of those “I like” books and you write something in it every day that you like about each other. We started at our anniversary and, well, stopped, about a month ago. It was really nice when we were doing it! I need to get that thing going again! :) You could just have a journal that you each take time to write something in about the other person each night. It’s nice to read the messages.

    Second, we try for a date night once a month. We’ve done really well with this since Christmas time. I think we’ve had 5 dates this year. Trying to do a weekly or every other week is just too hard. We try to get one in during the month. When the kids were younger we’d go out to lunch, but that’s just too quick and not the same. Out to dinner is much better. You can dress up and feel a bit more romantic.

    Just some ideas. And, I have to confess, I don’t always practice what I preach…
    Hang in there,
    Laura

    1. Laura, I can’t say I’m surprised (at all) that research shows this is a difficult period for marriages :)

      I really like your ideas for bringing us closer together: taking time each day to reflect on what we enjoy about each other and scheduling time with each other. Before we had the baby, we were actually getting pretty good about the latter. Last summer, we even took a painting class together once a week, and it was so fun to get out of the house on a weeknight, and stand next to each other for three hours painting and talking. It was like therapy, for me at least! Of course, it’s so much trickier now, with a nursing newborn, plus no family in the area to help us out. But as I said, I know before long we’ll get back to where we were.

      What I’ve learned as a parent is that time goes by so, so fast. The good stuff and the bad stuff don’t last too long!

      Thanks for chiming in!
      Evanthia

      1. What Laura suggests is a great idea. And with a nursing newborn, going out once a month is pretty hard. Maybe try having a dinner at home. Break out the candles and romantic music, dress up and throw some mascara on, and have a nice dinner after the kids go to bed (probably best right after nursing little J) Maybe that will help?

        1. Jess, this is really all we can manage right now: a romantic dinner at home. Ironically, the last time we tried this (Valentine’s Day), A simply REFUSED to go to sleep that night, so our dinner was interrupted by both of us having to go upstairs repeatedly to get her to calm down and rest. It was like she had a sixth sense and KNEW we were trying to do something special :)

          1. The first night my wife decided to go out for her birthday was the first night our now 14 week old decided to forget that she could sleep through the night, and woke up after about 3 hours, just as mama was getting home…and then slept like a newborn the rest of the night (ie. 1-2 hrs on, 1-2 hrs off), THAT SUCKED! Next day, back to normal. Sixth sense for sure!

          2. Babies have an uncanny ability to know when it’s least convenient for them to wake up. I think all parents would agree!! I’m glad to hear that your wife is sneaking out for some fun. It’s so, so important! (I hope you are, too.)

  3. I have a 7 and a half month old baby. Things have been hard and different between my husband and I. We survived peace corps in a third world country for 2 years and I felt that our marriage was pretty strong pre-baby. Now I realize that just because there’s a solid foundation, doesn’t give us free rein to neglect our relationship and expect it to remain the same. I had a “wake-up” moment last month when I looked over at my husband and thought, “you know what..I could do this without you”. I wasn’t thinking divorce or anything. I just felt like it was so much easier to make all the decisions about the baby and do it all myself. That moment past and has yet to return. Instead we made a date night and got the grandparents down to babysit. Now I’m trying to practice my patience, communicate in a nice way and do things for myself. So far so good….Oh-and I’m doing lots of blog reading about marriage after baby. Thank you for your honesty!

    1. Wow, Jess! Thanks for sharing your story! I know exactly what you mean about thinking it would be easier to do the whole parenting thing on your own sometimes. Parenting together takes a lot of work and negotiation! Good for you for making time for your marriage.

      As an update to this post, I’m happy to say that we’re in a better place now, too, and sleeping in the same room again :)

    2. I’ve felt the same way multiple times post baby about the man I’ve loved furiously for years. Thank you for admitting that and letting me know I’m not alone.

    3. Our wee one is 7 months and it’s got to a point where my wife utterly despises me no matter how much I do, contribute to, fix, sort, pay for, do for her directly, back rubs, baths etc etc. it’s now to the point where no matter what. She cannot go one day without falling out with me. There is absolutely nowhere to turn to for husbands who experience situations like the one I find myself in. I feel like I can’t even enjoy our baby from the constant grief I get about absolutely everything. Of course she refuses to believe she is in the wrong in any shape or form. I suppose this outlet is a place to write down your problems and frustrations and have a feeling someone else could give a sh*t about your situation. I know I may be disagreed with but I think so much focus is put on how woman need to recover and be treated after pregnancy ( don’t get me wrong I don’t envy my wife at all, what her body went through is nothing short of astonishing and I’m so proud and happy that she came through pretty much unscathed) that it gets to the men who are just expected to take the life style change in their stride. I don’t think people notice or appreciate the mental battle day in day out that some husbands need to go through. My wife never struggled in the beginning however she has changed in the last 3 months, becoming more controlling, hateful, revengeful and overall developed a terrible nasty streak. I work hard every day Monday to Friday and do absolutely everything I can between work to help with the wee one, I love her so much and love spending every minute with her, watching her grow and develop. However today I suggested after months of no dates, time to ourselves that we give her to my mum to look after so I could take my wife for lunch to build on our relationship again. We we are now back in the house after lunch, where she didn’t speak 2 words to me and then we have to come home so it doesn’t look like to my mum that there is a problem and we are back so early. I try to drop my wife off and go back for daughter and she steals the car keys and says I made her spend time with me, I’m not allowed to go anywhere. I really don’t know if it’s a form of domestic abuse I’m under, delayed post natal depression, separation anxiety, hate toward me for some reason. I’m at a stage where it’s fight for it, although I don’t know how much fight I have in me, cut marital ties and leave the family home pursuing a level of custody. I really don’t know so if someone can help if shed light on what they have done in a similar situation please tell me! I love my wife and child but I cannot continue like this.

      1. Tom, I’d like to thank you for being brave enough to write about your painful situation. It’s 1:30am and I opened this blog, looking for guidance, seething with frustration towards the man I love more than life. Our first born is 10 months old, and he’s such a joy, but of course has his moments, and I need breaks. I’m happy to be a SAHM by choice, but it was a huge transition for both of us. My husband works hard like you and helps at home too, but not always in the way I NEED him to. So, while I genuinely appreciate him for all he does, sometimes what he’s doing and what I’m needing are light-years apart. I needed to read your post to remember my husband’s perspective, and calm my heart towards him. Looks like it’s time to reassess our Love Languages, and find out how to communicate now that our family dynamic has changed. (P.S. All our family is on other continents, so I envy the opportunity the two of you had to go to lunch together; what a luxury.) I’ll be praying for your marriage as I work on mine.

      2. You sound like a very honest-loving husband and father! I must say so much of what you’ve shared is true! I on the other hand, didn’t have a husband as caring and loving as you’ve shared you are,. My children were young and needing attention and I definitely did it all alone. It’s definitely a Challenging – Journey for those whom have committed to be married and parents! Remember it’s a *choice to want to be connected as a couple again. It’s something that for myself as a mom and now grandma; Takes Gods strength in our day! He’s the reason love revived after babies arrive! May you know that society is slow….. In acknowledging husbands/fathers strength and patience and hard-work and love extended.
        May you not lose hope and love during this rocky-desert time!
        Your wife sees thru a narrow tube right now it appears! It only takes one of you to realize this too can pass.
        May you see her as she was when you fell in-love before baby arrived! Know that love grows stronger only thru life’s ups and downs.
        I’ll be praying for you and that your wife Awakens to your complete love to her and your beautiful gift shared in this little bundle – needing Both of you together and in-love!
        Blessings to you dear sir. May live be re-kindled is my prayer .
        Becky , and still with my forever love

      3. You sound like a very honest-loving husband and father! I must say so much of what you’ve shared is true! I on the other hand, didn’t have a husband as caring and loving as you’ve shared you are,. My children were young and needing attention and I definitely did it all alone. It’s definitely a Challenging – Journey for those whom have committed to be married and parents! Remember it’s a *choice to want to be connected as a couple again. It’s something that for myself as a mom and now grandma; Takes Gods strength in our day! He’s the reason love revived after babies arrive! May you know that society is slow….. In acknowledging husbands/fathers strength and patience and hard-work and love extended.
        May you not lose hope and love during this rocky-desert time!
        Your wife sees thru a narrow tube right now it appears! It only takes one of you to realize this too can pass.
        May you see her as she was when you fell in-love before baby arrived! Know that love grows stronger only thru life’s ups and downs.
        I’ll be praying for you and that your wife Awakens to your complete love to her and your beautiful gift shared in this little bundle – needing Both of you together and in-love!
        Blessings to you dear sir. May love be re-kindled is my prayer .
        Becky , and still with my forever love

      4. Tom, As a husband and proud father of a beautiful 13 month old girl I can relate to almost every thing you say in your post. I’m so happy and grateful at all the resources my wife has at her disposal as a new mom. From work out groups to mommy and me to web forums like these she’s had a happier transition into new motherhood because of it. However, the lack of similar resources for fatherhood is astonishing and to that end I find myself like you at the end of my rope starving for an outlet as a last ditch effort to help save my family. I, like you, have been working through exhaustion to provide, do house work (all the cooking & cleaning), baby sitting for mom’s nights (yet to have a dads night), diaper duty, midnight duty etc… and still find myself with a resentful, neglectful and cold wife. Any attempt to even approach this subject and I get ridiculed adding fuel to the fire. I truly hope you find a good solution.

      5. Tom. Thanks for this. Six weeks in and I’m in the same boat. I work my butt off in the office but cut my days short to be home early so I can take the baby off my wife’s hands. She’s doesn’t say but two words to me before she is off to nap (which is what I want her to do! She needs sleep!). When she wakes up all I hear about is everything I have done wrong and not truly wrong but just not her way. I’m up at night every time she is to help out but then I’m in a high pressure job all day as well.

        She is a wonderful mother to our child but had become a horrible partner. I am praying it’s a part because I can’t let myself be treated this way any longer.

        I love my wife with all my heart but this woman that’s been here since the baby came isn’t my wife.

        1. This time shall pass gentlemen! I’ve been in your shoes. Speaking as a dad of a 16 month old daughter, it gets better!

          For me, the transition was hard. I was excited as I could be before my daughter was born. No one warned me of just how life changing having a child can be on your relationship with your wife. Or at least, I never ever expected it to get so rough. I love(d) my wife to the moon and back, but now i was #2, and at times it seemed like I could have been lower in the pecking order than the annoying dog. It was a harsh realty that ultimately led to me having a nervous breakdown because I was trying so damn hard to be the best husband and dad, yet I thought my wife was simply not in love with me anymore.

          After some therapy (do NOT be afraid to talk to a counselor, see if your work will provide one for free) and reading some materials… I figured I was prepared to have a discussion with my wife about US, not us and the baby. It was great. Some harsh realities come with the changing dynamics of having a child. It’s hard on both the mother and the father.

          It got much better for us and although life will never be the same, I am happy.

          I honestly found this website because we just found out my wife is pregnant with #2, and frankly, I’m afraid of going through that process again. I was hoping to read that others experience the same change in dynamics, and sure enough, it looks pretty common.

          Hang in there dads! Continue to be a caring father and loving husband. It is appreciated. Most importantly, have perspective and communicate with your wife effectively. That’s the biggest difference maker.

          good luck.

        2. I know exactly how you feel to a “T”. Same story with me. I truly hope for you that it passes. For me, it never did pass. I really became disposable after our second child. I was no longer needed for anything else but to provide for our children, pay bills etc. There certainly was no reason for intimacy anymore either.And this was the woman of my dreams (as they say). When the last one turned 18 and left the nest, my wife did too. End of story. Now forty years later, my heart still aches about it……..

          1. Hey Bruce,
            It’s nice to read a few other men going through what I am right now. It’s hideous. I work really hard to provide for my partner and our kids but it’s just never enough.
            I try to do every single thing I possibly can when I’m at home. I text my partner all the time when I’m not at home. As soon as I get in from work I take the kids and my partner retires to the bedroom to watch tv. I am fine with this cause I know how much hard work she puts into looking after our kids.
            I will try to make dinner for us both, do whatever housework I can etc etc. Then I put the kids to bed and will go and lie down with her. We will watch TV for a short while and maybe cuddle but we will fall asleep fairly quickly through exhaustion.
            Anyway, my partner has been getting more and more “nasty” (only word I can think of). She makes snide comments, is incredibly passive aggressive and an emotional bully. I always ride through this and never bite. I let her just make the digs at me without responding and saying anything back.

            Sometimes I have to work away from home. This can be really challenging of course and I feel utter shame when I leave her with the kids. I call home everyday and read to our 5 year old via facetime which helps him off to sleep.
            Anyway, with all the grief I get and the complete feeling of helplessness and misery I have turned to self harming. I beat my let with a tool or something. It just eases the pain I feel of watching the woman Iove slowly drift away from me telling me how I do nothing for her when in actual fact I feel it wouldn’t be possible for me to do any more.
            Recently our youngest, now almost 9 months, has been a little unwell creating more difficulties for my partner to deal with on her own as I am currently away. Just after story time tonight she said something really hurtful though. She said to our son, but directed at me;
            “Maybe we should just leave him like everyone is telling us to”.
            I feel heartbroken. Lost. Helpless. Completely impotent and all while I’m on the other side of an ocean so I can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried to tell her that it is normal for the relationship to suffer immensely in the first 9-12 months but she just thinks that we are broken.
            I’m ruined. I feel like I am watching my life fall apart, having a nervous breakdown, whilst juggling everything I possibly can and getting nothing but resentment, spite and loathing in return.

            I seriously feel like making sure all the insurance is in good order and having an “accident” just so that she is rid of me but financial secure.

            It’s a really sad sorry state I’m in and I feel utter shame for thinking the way I do.

        1. Sorry to hear that Paul, I truly know how you feel and it is very hard. Have you ever though about counseling. I decided I would try everything possible to hold on to my marriage. The one problem with that your spouse needs to feel the same way.

      6. Hi Tom, thank you for your post.

        My fiancee and I have recently had our second daughter, now 3 months old. Our other daughter is 4. We haven’t got to the stage which you have described of your own situation but we are certainly heading that way.

        I agree with your thoughts about places for men to get help / and support in this situation. I have done a fair amount of reading now to try and understand the situation and it seems that the “baby quake” (particularly of the second child) can be super-tough on relationships, but there is light at the end of the tunnel after 12 months?

        I hope you and your wife have got back on track?

        All the best mate

      7. Yeah, well said. I don’t know the answer to this, but you aren’t alone on this. Having a baby is a big change for guys too, and it is tough when we don’t feel appreciated or when our wives like sleeping more than working. My wife didn’t want to work for 3 years before the baby came, and didn’t go back to college or anything either. She wanted a baby so bad, even though I told her that we have no family nearby to help, and childcare is too expensive given she will have a hard time finding a good-paying job when she goes back to work (after being willfully unemployed for 3 years and not having any specialized skills). Then the baby came, and she stays home and cares for him while I work to support us, and when I get home the baby (now 1 year old) wants to be with me all the time, so I play with him and help him learn to walk. But wife just complains now that I “get to go to work” and she is stuck at home all the time with the baby, or that she doesn’t get to go out and do stuff on her own like she used to (although she does get to go out on her own when I am not working and I have the baby). Sometimes when I am with the baby, she will just walk in and tell me she is taking off for a while without telling me where she is even going. I pay all the bills, go shopping for food, change diapers, clean the house, play with the baby, and work full-time on top of that. Being in the Army when young taught me the value of hard work, so most of the time I can handle it, but I am worn out by it as well.
        So anyhow, thanks for sharing your experience.

  4. Wow..I glad someone finally wrote what they feel. I have 3 kids now, our last one was born on oct 2 and so far since ive been really distance that sometimes I won’t even look my husband in the eyes. It feels like im mad at him all the time. But when hes out of the house I feel okay. What’s wrong with me? Hes a great man and tries to show me affection a lot but I push him away. Most of the time im too tired or im busy doing things like house work or caring for my boys. I need to try and show him more affection before he decides to depart from me. Ladies I know how you feel but at some point our husband’s need attention too…before its too late

    1. Valentina, congratulations on the birth of your third! I think a lot of the trouble/transition we feel in our marriages after a baby is caused by hormones and exhaustion. Since my baby was born in March, my husband and I have had a lot of time to readjust to life with two kids. I don’t have to tell you that adding another person to the house is a balancing act! But you’re right that we have to prioritize our marriages sometimes, or we risk losing that relationship.

  5. Just reading your blog and then the comments. Nice to hear other people feel the same. Our son was one today, we took him out for spag bowl which went well but he got restless so out he got for a quick crawl. Trying to get him back in highchair was a nightmare, he had a proper tantrum. My husband was soooo annoyed at him. He held a grudge against him the rest of the evening which then makes me hate my husband. I thought my anger towards my hubby was getting better but mostly he just annoys me when it comes to the way he seems towards our son (not so often now, but really resented him when newborn). Please tell me it gets better!!!

    1. It does get better, J! But I’ll tell you a little secret. I’ve learned that when my husband seemed resentful of our daughter, it was because he was really annoyed about some aspect of my relationship with her (I was coddling her or closer to her than he was at the time). The best thing for us was trying to tackle behavior troubles, like tantrums, as a team. Even if you don’t really want his opinion, ask for it. “What do you think we should do now??” Even let him try it his way. Maybe it’ll work; maybe it’ll fail miserably and then he’ll see things your way :)

      Hang in there!

    2. J dont get angry with him. I think he is just jealous and afraid. Just imagine men were able to become pregnant, and from one day to the next, your husband suddenly focuses his affection on his newborn. You would probably react the same. As far as the tantrum is concerned, us men are rarely designed to handle the early toddler years i.e. 0-3. We do sometimes feel like a strangers in the house during these early years as all that love and affection is directed at child. Most men are afraid to admit any sort of fear because society talks compares the sacrifices women make compared to man and men are backed into a corner and we are automatically labelled selfish. When I found out my wife was pregnant, I reacted differently to how I wish I would have reacted. Not elation but fear. Now my son is three and he one of the most important people in my life and as I kept on repeating to my wife after constant criticism for 3 years, my time will come to act like a proper dad i.e. playing football, mentoring him, taking him fishing e.t.c. Today, its exactly as I said it would be, I am doing alot more with my son than I ever have,As far as my wife is concerned, after being together for so long, our sex life is non-existent unless when there is talk of another baby. I always make the first move but this never happens the other way. We dont talk much and when we do, we disagree as we are complete opposites (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing). I just wish women would see the value a father can bring to parenthood and reward that value. My parents never said life would be this tough….

  6. I’m laying here frustrated, sad, mad and affectionless towards my hubby.. reading that some women are going through almost what I feel makes me feel a lil better.. but I need help/to vent. Ok sooo lately I’ve notice that more and more I find myself less affectionate towards my hubby.. he’s trying to communicate with me and tell me that I don’t show it as much anymore… But deep down I’m just sooo blah.. what’s wrong with me? I can’t stop it either. Its a downward spiral.. my situation doesn’t help either… My hubby works a lot (military) I moved out here across the state for him. Now we have a 7 month old son.. and I’m pretty much raising him on my own.. Im tired and wore out when he gets home. I do all the wifely stuff and I’m home alone allllll day… I’m starting to just get used to him not being around.. I feel myself shutting down ..when he’s around I’d rather still spend time with baby.. and give the love to baby. When he does Show interest I’m not really all there and like that other girl commented doesn’t really want to show eye contact ..why!? Is it cause were afraid that when eyes meet they’ll want to give us some kind of attention and we avoid it so no one gets hurt? How do I get out of this? Its hard to get back into it.. I just feel so luke warm inside..

    1. Sierra, I am having the same problem. My son is 9 months, daughter is 3 years. I lost my desire for my husband after the birth of both babies. Haven’t gotten it back with since my son yet. I’m afraid to even look at him for fear he will want to be intimate and I have NO INTEREST in that. I know it is hormones for the most part (I am still breastfeeding) but also partly because I do EVERYTHING kid related plus work full time and feel like my husband doesn’t appreciate any of it. I don’t have an answer, just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

    2. Sierra, number one, you are lonely. Call family in to help. They can take some vacay time and travel. You need to get back to the real you for a while. Get into some Mommy groups and play dates. We all feel the same way after having kids, I like to think of it as National Geographic Syndrome – you know, where the mother lioness has cubs and tries to kill the males? Yeah, hormones are awesome. Don’t forget to exercise, it burns negative energy.

    3. Hi Sierra,
      I could totally relate to what you were saying about being ‘blah’ about showing affection toward your husband, as I have been the same. I have a 6 month old daughter and after being at home with her all day sometimes by the time my husband gets home from work I’m not always in the mood to be affectionate. Every week I wonder why this is and question if it’s because my feelings have changed, or if I dont want to be with him anymore. We do think differently about a number of different things, such as money and me I’m very motivated and go after what I want, whereas he sits back and doesnt go after what he wants even though he wants to, and I wonder if it’s to do with that and subconsciously resenting him in some way. Is there anything you feel that you might be resentful of, about your husband? How do you feel about him being away from your and your child for so long?

      Over time I’ve started to think of something positive he does for our family everytime I start thinking about him negatively and it’s helping a bit. I think what also helps is thinking back to when you first met and what made you fall in love in the first place.
      Either way I am going through the same thing and think by sharing these feelings we can help each other to get through it!

  7. Your posts always amaze me and how much I can relate to them. You you just described exactly, what happened to me and my husband after baby # 2. Here I am 10 months later and not much has improved. We are just soooooo incredibly busy, that we only spend about an hour each night watching reality tv together. Which by the way helps lift our spirits that our life is no where near as messed up as most of the reality tv stars on these shows lol. But anyway, your post inspired me to try my best to fit some “romantic time” somewhere in our hectic schedule. Thanks for another great post. I’m a huge fan!

  8. Hello Ladies,

    I’m hoping that I can put a few minds/hearts at ease!

    So here I go! Hopefully I help someone with my experience.

    As I sit here and think about this situation it occurs to me that although some women wouldn’t admit it motherhood changes our lives in SO many ways & often takes a temporary toll on our relationships/marriages! I think it has to be a lot more common than we think!!!

    The most beautiful & amazing journey in any woman’s life is growing your family! We nurture this little life all ourselves for over nine months!! We feel our child for the first time, often we see and hear our child for the first time! How could we not bestow all our love onto this blessing!

    It’s fair to say our partners may feel a little left out of this love fest!!! A little alone and yes even a little neglected!! (It might help if you look at your partner as another child ;)! ). A little jealousy should be flattering after all your partner loves you maybe even more than before!!!

    It’s important to remember that our love for our partner is what created this little blessing!! So it’s important not to loose sight of that love!

    It’s not easy!!! We might not be on the same page emotionally or physically, as our partner! That’s ok! However it’s important to not forget to communicate these feelings! Our partners have needs too!

    Tell your partner if you need time to yourself!! We often as mothers & wives forget about ourselves! Or worse don’t even think about our basic needs! If your connection is suffering maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the way you feel about your body or more often maybe your simply not in the mood. After all you are Mommy, Wife, Cook, House Keeper, Chauffeur, Referee, exc……. all that work is exhausting!!! You may feel unappreciated & undervalued!! It’s tough to have so many jobs & often people forget how much mothers truly do!

    Take a time out for yourself! Do something you enjoy & rejuvenate!!! Sometimes something as little as taking a quiet tub with candles lit can totally change the way I feel about myself & my husband! I often find it much easier to connect with my husband when I’ve been able to “refresh”!

    As for your connection with your partner that too might need something to reignite your passion! That’s OK!!! We all get burnt out or feel less passionate!
    So, remember a time before that little blessing, was there something you and your partner did to connect! Try to do that again! Is there something you’ve always wanted to do with your partner? What better time to try something new than when your rediscovering your love!!!

    If you don’t have time to do that, try to do something simple, put on some music & relax together, maybe even dance! Watch a movie & make a snack to share (sit close!). Take a walk, have lunch or better yet share a few laughs! Sometimes just that quality time helps find those feelings!

    Don’t forget it’s not the same! The relationship must change!! All relationships change over time! Change can be good, maybe even great!!!

    There is nothing wrong with you! Take the time to think about what will help YOU to feel more connected again! Talk honestly to your partner! Don’t feel guilty or ashamed! But DONT leave them wondering!! All relationships go through tough times!!

    What matters is that you love this person & you just thinking about how to get back the passion shows your committed!!

    Don’t worry & relax you’ll get there! Your mind & body have been through a lot!! You just need time & time doesn’t change what the heart wants!!!!

  9. Its crazy how everyone is having this problem I had my baby girl 5 month’s ago and were still not having alot of sex I’ve tried everything under the sun from having sex in the car to doing whatever he wants and he still doesn’t seem interested he rather just go to sleep after I’ve put all this work into doing every thing for him so when he comes home we can just do it and he had no chores to do after work. It’s not life I do nothing I go to work take care of the baby and am still trying to be romantic what am I to do?

    1. Kacie, something isn’t adding up – he’s not being honest with you about something, you need to find out what it is. He either has a health issue, a lazy issue, or he’s not interested because he could be cheating. If he feels the problem is somehow with you, he needs to be honest and just tell you so both of you can work on it. Maybe he is very intimidated by kids and now only wants one and is struggling with new-daddy feelings.

  10. Awwww, I am sooo glad I found this site. I am due with baby #2 in 5 weeks and I have a husband who is very “romantic” and I know this will be an issue with us when she comes. It was an issue with baby #1 so adding a second one will even be harder to have some “quality” time with each other. I don’t want it to be a strain on our almost 5 year marriage, but I know I will be extremely exhausted when baby #2 comes. Heck, I am exhausted right now just thinking about the arguments we will have about not being intimate with each other. Its overwhelming and taxing on the relationship, but we must make sacrifices to keep the marriage alive and on a common ground so that no one gets fed up and stop trying to make it work. Thank you for the article and comments…I am enjoying the site already…

    1. We’re happy to have you here, too, Stephanie! Those first few weeks (no, months!) are really exhausting, and it can be hard to connect with your husband, as so many moms have now commented here.

      One of the things that has helped me most has been reminding myself that, no matter how tired I am, I should continue to see my husband as my partner and someone who can help me, not the person I can take my frustration out on (because I can’t direct it at the kids). You can also let your husband know that if he gives you what you need (help with the kids, chores, whatever), you’ll be much more likely to have the energy and the interest for romantic pursuits :)

      Good luck with baby #2! Let us know how it goes!!

  11. If this helps, I am a husband and your words are exactly how I feel and believe my wife feels.

    crazy…I am glad not the only one.

    1. Thanks for chiming in, Matt! It’s really refreshing to learn that us moms aren’t the only ones feeling this way.

    2. First, I am so glad I found this place. We have an 11 month old daughter, our first. Luckily, my wife and I are still best friends even after the passion less year we just had filled with arguments and thoughts of the end, we still somehow forgive and forget and keep trying to find ways to so better. We are both open and willing to hear the other person even when we disagree or don’t understand.

      Honestly, tonight I was so hopeless but reading these blogs put it in perspective. I’m leaving the guest bedroom and going back into the war room (our bedroom lol) to fight for this marriage. Yes it’s true having a kid literally killed this marriage. But I love my baby girl and I love my wifr, and it’s so wOrth fighting for. I will warn you fighters out there, though, there’s only one thing worse than a marriage with no sex because of new baby and co-sleeping….and that’s fighting for it and potentially setting yourself up for disappointment if you know what I mean. On one hand, sometimes it honestly hurts less as a guy if we don’t even try at all, rather than trying and leaving me stuck with a disappointing and depressing side affect of arousal with no relief. But she is worth the fight

      Oh yeah and by the way eff this I am getting a vasectomy we cannot have another one of these, say no to the pressures of having a 2nd kid if you couldn’t handle the first one.

  12. I can completely relate. I have a nine month old daughter who is teething and back to waking up 3 or 4 times a night. My husband and I haven’t gone on a date or done anything remotely romantic since before she was born, and we are both very tired from the lack of sleep. He works a lot and has to travel for his job now that we are a single income family. He actually said to me today that he feels like we are just roommates. We moved before our daughter was born and we don’t have any family in the state, so that’s been hard. Our little girl is at that prime stranger anxiety stage, so hiring a baby sitter seems ridiculous. The distance that’s crept between us is heartbreaking. I know things will get better as our daughter gets older, but it’s really hard in the meantime.

    1. It really does get better, Kalyn. I know how much more difficult it is when you don’t have a support network of family around to help out. Plus, as you say, there are just periods in a baby’s life when they don’t want anyone but mommy. (We’re there, too!)

      We’ve found that trying to reconnect at the end of the day, even if just for 30 minutes on the couch to watch a show together, seems to help. Good luck, mama!

    2. Kalyn, what you are going through is normal of all couples with a new baby. It won’t get back to “normal” until the baby is around two years old and then you may want another one (: Have late night pizza on your living room floor with a glass of wine, make being a roommate fun and then you’re relationship will come back around.

  13. i dont know how many pages i have written while being sad as to why things are not the same with my husband any more. we had our daughter two months ago and i had a severe post-partum depressive phase that still seems to be lingering. i am a working mom and ending my maternity leave in two days so dealing with the thought of leaving my daughter behind is excruciating and to top that the dry spell with my husband is just not ending. whilst he says he loves me more now than before, my general exhaustion and depression makes me even more sad. as far as intimacy is concerned, we only get that way if he is in the mood… otherwise its not reciprocated. hope the phase passes sooner than later.

    1. Dear Anaya,
      If your gut feeling is NOT to go back to work, don’t. It will drain you. Find people that struggled with depression and ask for advice. If you have to change your entire budget or where you live or what you do to be able to stay home, then do it. Your life with your husband is not the same, because you are not the same and men want to fix things and feel helpless when they can’t. After kids, nothing is ever the same. First help yourself, if you want to stay with your baby, find a way to do it.

  14. Saw this blog when searching for some reading on this very subject.

    So from a guy

    Our little one is now 11months and coming through the separation anxiety bit – and I’ve wondered if life at the beginning is hard for others – we have the separate room situation that makes me feel like a house mate instead – also for me as a guy – there’s a helpless feeling sometimes because the little one is more relient on his mum. I’m relieved to hear that others feel this. Also … Someone tell me the intimacy will come back – I don’t mean just sex but the feeling of being wanted or desired again

    1. Hi Ian, thanks for commenting. It’s wonderful to start to see men chiming in on this issue!

      I was talking about your comment with my husband last night, and we both wanted to reiterate that it does get better, but it definitely takes work. Your relationship is not just going to get back on track by itself, necessarily.

      For us, one of the things that keeps us close is sharing a bed. Obviously, there’s a physical closeness, but there’s also an emotional closeness that comes with sleeping in the same room, especially since we tend to have some of our best/least distracted conversations laying in bed, right before we fall asleep. And even when there isn’t something romantic going on, just having an opportunity to hug and kiss each other good night brings back that spark.

      I totally know what you mean about husbands sometimes feeling like they’re being put on the back burner, so to speak, because the baby requires so much of mom’s attention. That was definitely a struggle in our marriage with the first baby. But with our second, I think I learned to relax quite a bit, and my husband knew that those first months would be really tough, but there was an end: we’d eventually get our time together back.

      At this point, our baby is exactly 13 months old, and I definitely desire my husband. Not always for sex, but also for companionship, someone to talk to about my day, and someone to cuddle with on the couch when we watch TV together at night. But we have to work hard to make that space for our relationship.

      It’s too easy to get tied up with the kids during the day and other responsibilities in the evening and just let your marriage go. See if your wife would be open to the idea of sharing a bed again sometime soon and taking even just 30-60 minutes each night to be together. As awkward as it might feel, telling her that you really miss her could go a LONG way! Good luck!!

      1. My marriage is a mess after my baby. I think we love the baby too much and we have forgotten everything. We use different rooms to sleep every night and every time we try to have an important conversation everything is a disaster. the lack of communication between my husband and me is part of our daily life.
        I am a full time mom, am in my last semester of a master program and i am 39 years old. To be honest, i want to be perfect trying to deal to my family, work and school but i feel tired everyday.
        It is true that many people get divorced after a baby? But, what about the real family concept and the baby’s happiness.? You know what? I have many questions about motherhood that maybe i never get an answer, but the most important thing is I LOVE MY BABY and not even a person will not change my love and feelings to my little one.

    2. Do dishes, buy flowers, give neck and back rubs. Let her get away for two or three hours.
      Repeat.
      Also, take a hard look in the mirror, is a hair cut in order? Do eyebrows need to be waxed? Do the extra pounds need to come off? Both people need to look desirable to keep things going.

  15. Oh gosh, I’m fighting back tears as I read your first paragraph. Ive been having dreams too, lots of them. We have a 29 month old and zip family support so whilst my partner woks 9-5 it’s me and our son. I also work 1-2 nightshifts a week and I’m exhausted, drained, lonely and sad. Craving love and affection and having romantic dreams about a handsome man giving me attention. I feel so lonely and have no mum friends. I’ve tried to talk to my partner lots about this however, we end up fighting and things seem to spiral in to a tit-for-tat. I have no energy to argue. I’m at a loss and fear this is how my life will be for the next 20 years. I love my son. We both do. He gives us so much joy and his personality is breathtaking. I just wish i could feel with my partner what we felt before. i go to the gym, i take care of myself, i try and communicate but i feel like there’s no point. 3 times tonight ive hinted at an early night…. But nothing. I think I’m undesirable and boring. My partner is lovely and so sweet, just things are so different now and I dobt know what to do. Anon scotland any advice welcome xxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Why are you exhausted? Does it have to do with money? Downsize, go without things that save money, stick to a budget, be home more. Instead of going to the gym, have more sex . . . it burns calories. Join a group to find Mommy friends, then babysit for each other and go on dates.

  16. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have a 3 year old. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms every night, just because we have very different schedules. We have sex maybe 5 times a year. We only see each other on the weekends. It sounds odd, but it works for us right now. We are good friends at this point in our relationship. Not much more.

    1. Dear Anonymous married for 11 years. Start sneaking into his room and look hot. If you don’t look hot, start changing, new body, new hair, etc. If you don’t want to have sex, take some acting lessons & just do it. I don’t care if you are imagining your favorite actor or some guy in your imagination. Just start having sex. If he admits to an affair, be forgiving and do counseling. Men know we love them through sex – that is really all they need. So he only knows you love him 5 times a year?

      1. Men know we love them through sex? That is the worst comment i’ve ever read. I am a man and I can tell you that men who think love comes through sex are complete d****. Men don’t stand a chance if you have such unfair thoughts. I know some guys can be like that but so can women. Please don’t generalise.

  17. A couple days after Mother’s Day, I am feeling incredibly hurt and unappreciated. I have a 7 week old and a 23month old who broke his leg a month ago. I have had my hands full and haven’t been able to give either child as much attention as I would like. On top of that, my husband is studying for an exam and studies from 8-10 every night after work, without helping to put the toddler to bed or clean up after dinner. We spend very little time together, and much of that time he is playing on his phone. In short, I am feeling neglected and craving a little love.

    For Mother’s Day, my husband made sure to send his mother a nice bouquet of flowers and I didn’t even get a card. Then this morning, after I asked him to please wipe down the sink after shaving, he asked what I do all day. So in addition to caring for our newborn and needy toddler with a broken leg, he expects me to pick up after him and shows no appreciation. We have been together for 9 years, and this the first time I find myself wondering if it can last :-/

    1. He needs a reality check. Have him take care of both kids for the same about of time that you do for an entire day. He resents that you have “all this time during the day” while he slaves at work and towards school. He doesn’t realize that being a mom is an all day, no breaks, for the next 18 years contract with ZERO money to pay your for your efforts. Ask him why he did not treat you better on Mother’s Day and I’d also suggest counseling. Something needs to be put back in focus and goals and supporting each other needs to get a kick in the butt.

  18. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs. after trying for what seemed forever we were finally successful. We had a great relationship with arguments, disagreements, and constant battles with the in-laws, but in the end we loved each other and wanted to be together. My entire pregnancy was great he took care of me and everytging else. We both worked full time jobs and really enjoyed our time together. The week after baby came home, I hated him! Couldn’t stand seeing him hearing him or knowing he was home. We slept separately and I had no desire towards him. Till this day, 5 months later, I feel the same way. We’ve discussed the situation several times about how I feel and what I want. I hate him don’t want him near me at all can’t comprehend why I married him. He won’t leave and doesn’t want to separate. Always blows me off saying I am crazy and don’t know what I am saying. I feel desperate, tired, angry, deeply saddened by the situation. All I want is to be alone with my baby. He never helps anymore always complains about the house, how I look, whatever’s for dinner, the fact that I no longer work doesn’t like how I take care of my baby. He won’t even take out the trash anymore. All he does is sit around and watch tv even if baby cries and I am showering, cooking, cleaning or whatever it is I am doing. What I do is never enough regardless. I am done so tired of him and his family. Our relationship is completely broken and I frankly have no desire at all to fix it. I can not believe we are in this situation don’t understand how we got here just don’t want to be in it any longer.

    1. Reply to Mama – your man is running you down to make himself feel better about something. You can’t do everything. Remind him that he can shape up or pay child support and alimony after you leave him. Ask him point blank what he wants out of life and if he can find his man pants, put them on and get ‘er done? If he becomes hostile or continues to blame you, start putting money away in an account he doesn’t know about and do what you need to do to get out of the situation. If you do separate and he acts like he doesn’t care and won’t do counseling, that is your answer. Painful, yes, but won’t waste any more of your time. There are guys out there that want wives and kids and are waiting for the right one, in which case – use a dating site that matches up personalities. Good Luck.

    2. Your husband is likely depressed, although he probably won’t admit it. You should try counselling before cutting off the relationship. If you had a good relationship before you can still get it back!

    3. For the love of god do not listen to the moron anon that replied here. Trying to assign ‘fault’ in this situation isn’t going to help anything, because this is not a conscious choice anyone made. Husband went from loving and caring to apathetic and distant after what? After you did the same. Again this is no fault of yours, you are a slave to your post-partum hormones in many respects, you and he both vowed to love and care for each other for all eternity, and now your brain is indicating you that he is an enemy, and the baby is not “ours” but “yours”. His reaction is nothing but a defense mechanism, an understandable one at that. For all our differences, we are emotional beings, and at our core men and women are almost identical. Your feelings about him being an outsider signals the end of every hope and dream he ever had about your lives together, and he is withholding affection for self protection. Regardless of how you ‘feel’, if you logically can deduce that these feelings are incredibly unnatural given your pre-partum state of mind and they are not changing, there are no if’s and’s or buts’ about the fact that it is time to seek professional help. Every parent should equip themselves with tools for success. When things go awry, a therapist, psychiatrist, or physician can be the only life raft you have left.

  19. I realize this is over a year old…. But thank you for posting it! Our little family is in pretty much this exact situation except it’s our first son (whom was born 3 weeks ago) so it’s all new…. My husband sleeps in the spare room so he can actually sleep for work, and I feel like the only time we spend together is maybe an hour when he gets home from work before dinner… Even then it’s distracted… I tried talking with him about it tonight and unfortunately we didn’t really come to a resolution as he didnt agree that just because we’re in the same house doesn’t mean we’re spending time together. Anyway, just reading that other marriages go through the same situation REALLY makes me feel better. Thanks! Because like you mentioned, none of the women in my life who have had a baby mentioned the “roommate situation.”

    1. I am feeling alone, like my hubby is neglecting me even though he is not, we have baby of 8 months old.but since born I feel like I m neglected by my hubby. He is very caring and loving person. But I am feeling alot of distance before pre baby situation. We had talk many times but no solution is working out.we are not getting enough time with each other , as we are living in a join family. So we almost spend whole time with busines and family, so we are not getting enough time fo reach other :( . So when be spend time with family I am almost tiered because of baby, house activity and businesses…yes I am a business women.I have to manage everything….most of the time we talk about business , family and baby..I am feeling like a mother, a daughter in law, a business women, but not as wife….I am feeling guilty that I have such kind of feelings for my hubby and is it mean I m indirectly blaming my baby….no I love both my hubby n baby both..than why this situation is there..is it a normal situation or I m feeling something abnormal. ?Please help me with some helpful blogs

  20. Hi,

    I am 28 yrs old and my wife is 27. We have been together for 9 years and got married last year. We have always bickered- sometimes mild and sometimes quite heayed but.behind that I love her dearly and i blieve she does me.

    We recently purchased our own house which is not extacrly to my wifes tastes but its what we could afford and I am trying my best to make it better not just for her but us as a family aswell.

    We now have a 10 week old baby boy who we both love v much. The first 2 weeks I was a poor father and failed to help my wife. I found it hard to cope in the nights and she pretty much went solo.

    After 2 weeks I was back at work and she carried on as I was up early. This carried on into the weekends up until about week 7. I understand this is a horrible thing and I truly feel bad about it but I have to live with that guilt. 3 weeks I have done 1 of the weekend nights which I don’t think is enough. In the evening when im home from work I feel I am good with my boy, we communicate via playing and laughing. My wife and I talk about our day for 30mins then its back to the baby.

    I am only to blame for my actions but my wife now resents me. I know and must do more to help her but she is blaming me for a bad 2 weeks at the start, she tells me she doeant want to be with me and we are a mistake. She feels trapped and believes we are only together because there is no other option.
    One minute she tells me she cares and loves me and the next it changes. It can literally be ive sat on a bib which will turn her mood.

    I guess I am just wondering does it really get better? I have been honest with how we are and pray she still loves me like she used too.

    1. Hi Nen,

      My best advice to you is to try to show your wife that, while you may have messed up in those first two weeks, you can do better now, as you’ve been doing.

      You might also be interested in looking through the results of our Marriage After Kids Survey to see what so many other women said about what would make them feel closer to their husbands. I’ve summarized those results in today’s post: HERE. Good luck!

  21. It is refreshing to see I’m not the only person with this issue.

    My wife and I have a beautiful 2-year old daughter and our handsome son is 8 weeks. My wife stays at home and since our son has arrived I feel more like a personal assistant than a husband. I feel like so long as the paychecks cash and the lawn is mowed, she doesn’t need anything else from me. She has zero affection towards me. I feel like I have traded my wife for a mother to my children. It has made me very bitter towards her as I believe she understands my needs and makes the choice to ignore them. We’ve discussed this problem several times and she suggests I just make the mental decision to “be happy”. I guess I don’t understand how to do that…. I’m not happy. Could you help me put this in perspective? Thanks

    1. Derek: – SAME boat – Not sure how to help you put it in perspective – but just moral support at the same point in time with two kids( 3.5 years and newborn). I have been extremely patient for the last 4 years and am always the proactive one about communication and needs(such as finding many forums like this and going through books like the 5 Love Languages trying to figure out why the relationship is requiring such an unnatural level of energy), etc. It raises arguments every time with both of us resenting the other more, whether temporary or building up…

      Very drawn out experiments I’ve put myself through on whether I was doing enough or not that could be causing issues, etc – Still same boat. I’m giving it another 2-3 years of everything I can give and if that’s still not “good enough” etc for all my efforts in order to have the love reciprocated, then I will have to throw in the towel on this deal.

      There comes a point where your patience reaches the line of wasting your time. Supposedly she still loves me, but as many have already mentioned, that’s not strong enough for them to be able to continue that wanting/desire chemistry to continue to be intimate/romantic enough for us to feel the love.

      I truly hope it does not come to that point, but that hope dies more every day. Ideal worst case I hope we can transition to being good partners as parents, while being separated/divorced in order for both of us to have a chance at a more compatible partner, I care/love her deeply, but how long should you go before a line must be drawn for your own happiness/self-worth/ and role model for your children to have the ability to also lead happy lives, and knowing when they sometimes must take different paths in order to achieve their desired level of happiness to be whole.

      My happiness increased quite a bit over the past few months as I was able to distance my dependence for her love(affection/intimacy) back to a point where I could look at her logically as a friend with few benefits. It has just killed me too much, tearing myself apart inside for the past 4 years of constant neglect, disrespect, and the nature of looking down on me as another child(which of itself is not good even in raising happy independent children). All of my efforts or mention of counseling help etc meets her iron fist wall of stubbornness stuck in her own views and no way to see from others’ eyes/views.

      My apologies for turning this into a book(stupid keyboard taking off on me like that! ;) ) – Hopefully this gives you some kind of perspective or light bulb/inspiration of next moves etc. Not trying to make you see one way or the other, I guess just to try and exhaust every possible option you can think of 3x before knowing what you must decide to do whether stick it for the long haul anyways or cut your losses and try to move on in a positive manner.

      Possible suggestions(I’ve tried plenty of each and all were very short-lived successes unfortunately – but you might not have the same fate – never know until you make an honest effort)
      Emotional: (Couples Journal/diary of daily/weekly concerns needs etc, reading 5 love languages together or other books mentioned above, daily walks together, talking face-to-face – no cell phone lunches, Listening without trying to give advice or fix anything – just be in the moment and attempt to understand their feelings- nothing more…..etc….)
      Physical: Helping around house more(ALL chores kept up, kids taken care of, clean/washed, clothed, help with schedules/discipline/free time etc)

      I could go on but this book is getting bigger – better stop before publishers start calling me. ;)

      -Lost Daddy in Idaho

      1. I can empathise.
        Partner is so much into baby that he ignores my needs completely. We r room mates.

    2. This right here: “I believe she understands my needs and makes the choice to ignore them.”

  22. My wife recently confessed that shortly after she became pregnant with our son she fell out of love with me. She says she still loves me and desires to be with me. She only confessed this to me after I found a text conversation with one of her ex boyfriends saying she wanted to move in with him etc. Essentially cheating on me through text as far as I know nothing physical happened. After I confronted her about .

  23. I am so glad I found this post as I am sitting in the bathroom for a couple minutes despising my husband and his ability to sleep through all of my little ones fussing. I have to admit there have been times when I have thought that divorce wouldn’t be so bad because I would get to experience freedom and sleep every other weekend. I am dreading doing all of the child rearing while returning to my 50/hr work week in 2 weeks. My husband and I need to have a serious conversation.

    1. Hi Robyn — hopefully this website will help you cope a bit with this issue as much as it sucks – I researched the heck out of it trying to figure out why men can sleep through something like this and this site gives a pretty simple and clear explanation I think. Definitely not something I would hope you are thinking about divorce alone over…. — good luck.

  24. First time mum here and reading this has actually given me reassurance that we’re not alone! A friend of mine said her husband sleeps in the spare room and before I had baby O, me and my partner both agreed that was ridiculous. As I type this, my partner has retired to the sofa downstairs as it’s 2am and will be up in a couple of hours for work. Funny or ironic I should say. We too felt like our relationship was in the balance and that we were now house mates but realised that this is just another of life’s challenges and it will get better! I do feel bad as we don’t have a spare room so him sleeping on the sofa is awful.

  25. My husband and I are both very strong willed, stubborn people and we set high standards for things in our own minds. This can be very bad, because voicing and not voicing these high standards can destroy a relationship. We come from totally different backgrounds, so I am ultra tough & that sometimes makes him feel unneeded. The point is, give each other a lot of slack and get an education about how your spouse was raised, this is the key to pre-set standards & behaviors. After having our first child, having been married for 8 years – we had a medical problem that set our pregnancy plans back 2 years – we found ourselves fighting like no other and heading for divorce. At the same time, we both were 100% awesome with our daughter, but nagged at each other. My hormones were raging and I didn’t want anything to do with intimacy, I was not depressed. It didn’t help that I had quit my job two weeks before giving birth and was home alone all day on an acreage by myself thinking about my career skills and retirement dying on my Cheerio sprinkled floor. Eventually, he went to counseling for some things that had been riding on his back long before me & it saved me from leaving him. Trust me, a good counselor will help both of you, friends & gossip over drinks don’t solve problems. Funny how all of these things come to center stage after we have a baby. Schedules suck. Own your schedule, don’t let it own you. Do one thing for yourself during the week without hubby or child and let him do the same. If there isn’t time, force yourself to drop something and make the time. First impressions make everything; when you know he is coming home at 5 – quickly pick up the living room, wipe down the kitchen counters, spray air freshener (cause you know it smells like diapers) put on some concealer & lip gloss, brush your hair & your teeth & hand him a cold beer or some kind of treat (even if you bought it at the gas station). On the same token, when he comes through the door, he should hug you and greet you like he is happy to be home. My husband works 5 days a week from 4 a.m. to 4 p.m. – comes home, eats, does vehicle maintenance if needed, showers, plays with our daughter and falls asleep reading bedtime books. I put her to bed & relax at night, catch up on adult TV, play on the computer. If we want to be intimate, it works better if I wake him up before his shift at work – it isn’t ideal, but it works. It is very hard for him to understand that being home all day with our cute daughter out in the beautiful countryside sometimes feels like being trapped in a box while your brains are being sucked out. Everything is tedious, so there are days I blow off my chores and do something new with my daughter. I now work 2 days a week while he and my in-laws watch our daughter. It has helped a lot. I’ve learned to turn my lonely moments into challenges to make our life better. I began to realize that I’m more energized by business and he’s happier at home. He’d be a better stay-at-home Dad than I am at staying away from my people skills. I’m now putting together a business that will soon let me work from home and make twice what he does & will allow him to stay home more and become stay-at-home Dad four days a week. My point is; do what you have to do for some damned sanity. Go buy some hot new clothes, instead of leaving home for dates at boring restaurants; get creative. Have a date at your own fire pit while Grandparents have the kids. Go to a nice park and play games, get out a book, or hike, or take a nap! I don’t always take my own advice, because sometimes I’m just mad. Also, if your spouse is too lazy or too worn out to initiate stuff…then just quit whining and step up and do it on your own. Then mark a date on the calendar and tell him he has to do something special for you on that day – so he learns to be romantic. A lot of guys just do what their dad did, which isn’t always so awesome and is deeply rooted, so change comes slow & must be rewarded. Of all the ways I can react negatively to something that pisses me off, somehow being silent and calm, but still looking upset gets him the most worried. If I need to leave the house, I go for a drive. Any other outbursts or angry words just don’t work and are harmful to your kids. Always work out any issues in other rooms, outside or in the garage & take breaks when someone gets too heated. If you know he needs to say sorry for something and is too stubborn to do it, apologize for something you did first & he will come around. It is marriage & kids, everyone goes through this, if they don’t – they are in major denial or don’t have true feelings & that’s not real love.

  26. Great article and very true! Things change so much when a baby comes along, we’re three weeks out from having number two so trying to enjoy the last few weeks of ‘freedom’ with our two year old. We live on the other side of the world to our families and my parents aren’t around any longer but we try to make lots of family style dates. Picnics are good, or bush walks and for an easy date night dinner we just get some nice cheese, olives etc and make up a platter and watch a movie or chat-good thing is if my little boy seems like he’s gonna have a challenging night we just leave everything in the fridge and postpone it until the next day!

  27. I started to skim the replies of many of the mommies and instantly thought, “Yup, that’s how I feel exactly!” I love being a mom more than anything and I’m trying my best to cherish the sleepless nights but as all of you know it’s rough. It’s tough because even the simplest chores are ten times more difficult, likewise there is not a minute to waste. Life with kids is the most difficult transition, but it’s also the most rewarding. I know right now in my marriage this is for sure the most difficult time, due to tight budget, lack of time, lack of sex, and being pure exhausted but I also know this time will only make my husband and I stronger as a couple if we realize sacrifices have to be made and we have to be each other’s cheerleaders.

    It’s so difficult to bite my tounge when I’m ready to complain about lack of time together but then I need to remember my husband is working just as hard as I am for the same goal and wants time with me just as much as I do. I know whenever I use the phrase roommate, that word is like a dagger to his heart.

    What I really enjoyed reading were the comments from the new daddies. I often forget that my husband much like me, loved date night, late night too much wine nights, cuddling, having sex whenever, and he misses them and the us time we got to spend just as much as I do.

    As hard as it is I think it’s important to realize your spouse is working for the same goal as you and is probably just as bummed of the lack of quality time spent together. I know I’m trying my best to be more supportive and encouraging of my husband in hopes I’ll receive the same love and attention. But as you know it’s tough to hold back emotions especially if you are an in the moment type of person.

    I realize as I’m typing this, it is a little repeatative and little double standard, hopefully some what relatable, but I think we need to keep in mind relationships naturally evolve and you and your spouse have just added a new member to your team so adjustments and awkward phases are not only natural but a necessity for progression and most couples are in the same boat.

    Bottom line: let’s encourage our spouse because they love love just as much as we do and I know they miss it too.

  28. If only my husband were so understanding. He works nights, I work days, and every night that he doesn’t work, and we spend together, he expects to “be relieved” (nice of saying it). It doesn’t have to be from sex, it can be oral, but it’s never good enough. I work a full time job, and we have a 1 year old. In all honestly, I feel like a walking zombie. I think about having sex very often, but by the time I get home from work, make dinner, do the baby routine, and workout, plus all the other things that need to be done around the house for the next day to run smoothly, the last thing is to make sure he is “relieved”. He watches our child 3 days a week, very grateful for that, he requires very little sleep, I require TONS. He’s always pressuring me, and putting me down about sexual things. It’s become routine to make sure he is “relieved” the 4 days a week I’m around him, or else he makes sure I hear about it. I’m tired ladies, I’m depressed about my body, and the last thing I want to do is make love or give oral on most nights of the week. I’ve trierd talking to him, it doesn’t help. He says mean nasty things to me. Thanks for listening. I’ve been holding that in for a very long time now.

  29. Hi all. i have to say that it has not been very easy for me and my wife, but the first 2 years we had no problem at all. our daughter was great. she slept and was quiet. but after that for some reason as my love increased for our daughter it also decreased for my wife. our daughter is now 5 and my love for our daughter is enormous but i feel like not even talk to my wife. when she goes to work i feel a relief. i know the love to my wife still exists but it feels like it is compressed somewhere else in me. occasionally i feel like to divorce but i know it is not the best option and is just something passing through my mind.

  30. Hello everyone,
    It’s been two weeks now since I’v.e given birth to my first daughter. From the moment I heard her cry, I was instantly in love, and I was so happy with my family. I was just thinking about how much I loved my finace and that I would relive the whole 8 years of our relationship all over again. However, in the last week, I found out he was smoking again and hiding petty things behind my back, and ever since then I haven’t been able to stand him. I don’t trust him or the things he says (even though he comes home every day after work and calls me throughout the day), and lately I’ve found plenty of things to argue about. Sometimes I just feel like I’m deliberately trying to push him away. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but we’ve both become frustrated about how to solve or fix the problem. On the other hand, my love for my daughter continues to grow. I just want things to be how they were with my finace and I. I love what we had, I just don’t know where it has gone.

    1. hello amber.
      The arrival of my daughter 5 years ago has marked a new phase in my life too. our life has changed dramatically. it has had huge effect in the way i see my wife. i feel repressed and tired and have not been able to cope with life things very well. i have tried to find the solution for my problems away from home. most of them wrong things that disrespect me and my wife. i have stopped almost everything now because i realized that does not bring solution. maybe that is what is happening to your husband. one thing i felt when my daughter arrived is that i was not given the same amount of time as before. sounds silly but happened and led to be unhappy.
      the only way to solve problem in life is by talking and listening and coming up with a plan together. dont expect things to get fixed straight away.
      i am working slowly on my ability to talk and listen and not to get angry easy.
      hope i have helped you starting the journey of happiness with a family and i look forward to hear good news. god bless you.

  31. I have a 6 week old at home and a 7 year old and ever since we had the baby I end up getting angry with my husband and initiating arguements for no reason. I feel awful afterwards and end up not talking to him ( other than kids stuff) for a few days then act like nothing happened. We used to be best friends and enjoyed each other’s company all the time now I dont even watch a movie with him ( i end up leaving the room) and refuse to go on a date night (partially because im extremely self consious) Im worried if we continue down this path it will end the marriage.

  32. I am un a bad situatíon right now im having a fight with muy husband with no one who to talk And reading this thing you wrote well i fill more relax cause i really agree with you, thw only thing is that i dont now if it happen to you, muy husband allows muy toddler sleep whenever he wants to he doesn’t follow my routine or any routine at all and that drivers me crazy And this like with everything most of the time I put in bed my toddler but if my husband its around he cries until he is with him because he allow him To watch all the TV he wants that’s, I always fight with him for this because this is the way he likes to take care of my son he doesn’t sit with him to play or anything and I tell him you have to play with him don’t put to much TV and my husband obviously get really mad with we start fighting and well I feel like, man maybe I’m a control freak I cry and cry I don’t now what do you think I hope you can give some advice I have no friends to talk about it and I don’t want to bring my problems to the family thanks I really appreciate is some one have an advice for me!!

    1. Maria Jo, I wonder if you couldn’t get your husband to agree that too much TV IS a bad thing for a young child. Maybe see if you can come to some agreement about what an appropriate amount in one day is, since you’re definitely right that study after study shows that excessive TV time leads to all kinds of trouble.

      If you can get your husband to say, for instance, that an hour is enough, then make an agreement to stick to it: after 60 minutes, the TV goes off. Maybe you could even help your husband brainstorm other things your child might like to do with him, things that are much more interactive: reading, playing ball, going outside, etc. Good luck!

  33. It seems as though some of you are in the same situation as me, but I just need to put it out there. We have a 6 month old baby. Ever since coming home from the hospital, my husband has become mean and resentful. I could tell hes not happy. This past Monday he admitted to it. That he’s not happy, that he resents me and that makes him say mean things to me. He says that we’ve gone back to being in the friend zone and, despite my best efforts to make love to him, he’s just not interested anymore. He says I am the perfect wife and mother, but that he feels like he never wanted this life, even though he knew “this life” was a dealbreaker for me when we first got together. He says he’s willing to talk to somebody, but in the meantime I don’t know what to do. I kiss him goodbye in the morning and it feels like he kisses me back out of pity. and since this all seemed to happen after we got home from the hospital, I’m feeling really resentful of our baby. Like it’s his fault why his dad doesnt want to be with me. We are not in separate rooms, but we might as well be. Any thoughts/advise would really help.

    1. Laura, I think it’s fantastic that your husband is willing to talk to someone. A counselor could definitely do you both some good, especially if you’re starting to feel resentful of the baby. Keep in mind that you’ve just undergone perhaps the biggest life change out there–becoming parents–and that’s bound to have an effect on your relationship. If you’re only 6 months in, you both really deserve more time to adjust. It’s all brand new, and you’re working through it…but that’s the thing: you have to do the work.

      If your husband didn’t really ever want “this life” of being a family man, then he must have gone along with your desire to have kids because he really, really loved you. You can remind him of that. And at this point, he has two choices: to face the life he’s chosen and created and make it work, even if it’s not the idealized life he envisioned, or he can walk. But you might ask him, does he think he’ll find something else better out there? If he admits that you’re the perfect wife and mother, then what else is he looking for??

      Without knowing much of your personal circumstances, I suspect your relationship would be greatly improved by seeing a counselor to help you work through the process of reconnecting. You should definitely also invest in a great babysitter, to let you two get back to focusing on your marriage. What was it you liked to do when you were dating? Dinner, drinks, movies? Make those things a priority, knowing your baby is safely at home waiting for you, and let yourselves remember why you fell in love in the first place.

      To be honest, I worry when I read that you’re starting to feel resentful toward the baby, so I want to encourage you take that first step of finding a counselor, for everyone’s sake. Good luck, and remember we’ve all been there!

  34. I know this blog is older, but stumbled upon it. I was very relieved to read this. I’m not in a roommate situation.. but ah, my relationship is difficult right now! Not even fights necessarily, just a lack of some of the things you mentioned (butterfly love & lust). How long does is it last?? Out of curiosity.. this is my first 0:-)

    1. Mimi, for me, it had a lot to do with when I stopped breastfeeding and felt like I was getting my body back to myself. That seemed to coincide with a desire to revamp my wardrobe with some cuter pieces (read: not frumpy mom clothes that would interest no man, EVER!), get a new haircut and update my look.

      I think new moms get so wrapped up in caring for their babies that they forget to take care of themselves. Once you know you look and feel good, you start to feel attractive and, I believe, start to give a different vibe to your husband. I feel a blog post in here…stay tuned :)

  35. Omg wow I am so happy I came across this site..I have felt so alone and empty thinking I was the only one that felt disconnected from my husband. We have a 5 month old baby girl and after she was born I ended up getting the ” baby blues” on top of having a stressful labor which ended in a c section. :( the first few weeks my husband stayed home to help which I loved!!( right now we’re living with my parents because our lease was up at our apt and we thought could save up money living with them) which has been a huge help, my mom has helped me so much wih baby. Although, Hubby and I fight so much now…. It’s awful we do sleep In same room but it does feel like a roommate situation. He tells me I’m not affectionate enough etc, but I’m just so tired of him??? I don’t get it! We’ve had lots of arguments these past few months which have ended up in conversations about getting seperated. We’ve talked about counseling and are willing to give it a try after he refused several times…. So will see what happens. But I’m afraid my feelings for him will never be the sAme? I sometimes think we just don’t suit well with each other :(. I’m so confused! I wish I could talk to someone who is going through the exact same thing as me.. Seeing these posts do make me feel better though!

    1. Going through and gone through similar situation as the guy. It does feel like permanent damage has occurred thanks to the lovely “baggage” some people tend to create and carry forever.

      For example being late to pick her up from the airport or other places in the past and no matter how many times I am early now it will still be brought up and degrade any progress made.

      Good luck, I’m glad you were at least able to acknowledge your feelings and hopefully counseling helps. Greatest wisdom I try to follow – you can’t be happy and forgive anyone else in your life without being honest and doing the same with yourself first.

      1. Adrian,

        How were you and your wife able to get through everything? My husband and I are always at eachothers throats. :(

        1. Unfortunately, far from getting through it. Seems more like a nasty cycle I have ran out of patience to endure(5+ years), now running on a sliver left of hope. No easy answer. Both parties have to want to stay together and be able to put your spouse before yourself or the kids.

          That’s usually where the formula gets screwed up. No matter how much I do or help take the load off what she has on her shoulders, it’s never enough, so she finds 10 new things to keep her anxiety up over and never relax.

          I can have the house spotless, kids in bed, etc. Trying to get her in the mood with a long massage, foreplay etc and she can’t stop talking about the next 10 things she has to get done or the world will end.

          So I don’t know much about the two of you yet to give much of an informed opinion on next possible steps other then doing the top 10 things the experts say to do to “fix” the marriage, such as doing a couples journal where both of you can share and get your feelings in the open on paper when you can think straight away from the heat of the moment. Putting yourself in their shoes, the five love languages, etc etc etc. and doing it all 3x just to be sure you’ve truly done your due diligence to make it work, and if still no luck then you should feel confident in your decision to try a trial separation or something else etc. So maybe you both can try to be good friends instead of hateful/disgruntled roommate spouses….

          Adrian
          adrian_carguy through yahoo or kik

          1. Wow I’m surprised that all the things you do for your wife she still complains.. Hell I wish my husband did more for me. Does your wife work and you stay home with your children ? I just wish it were easier to decide what to do It’s hard when there’s a child in the middle. Like what Sarah said, it’s either making a change for your own happiness or sticking to the same routine of being miserable for the sake of your child/children.

          2. Yes she does work now about 3-4 days out of the week, while I stay with the little ones. It’s possible since I’m self-employed and have a more flexible schedule running my super small business. Yeah it’s a tough decision to blow 2 decades of your youth pretending to be happy to try and show the kids how you are supposed to be. I also think kids don’t get nearly enough credit for how intuitive they are at much younger ages than most think. They pick up on all those small things I think, like comments my wife makes towards our little one or me – allowing it – keeping quiet to keep the peace etc – just teaches them that is what is normal and acceptable behavior – so it’s hard to figure out what things I should fight about that I think are wrong versus versus disrespecting them too if you do.

            When one partner can’t compromise or be fair about so many things (double standards) – I don’t see how it is possible to work it out when things continue to get worse each year. 90% of her is great, unfortunately she picked the wrong 10% for us to be able to work out happily….

            So if you are close to her mindset and were able to record your current and future “complaints” along with the changes seen, you may be surprised to find that you are the same way(I have no idea of course, I know very little about your situation) – such as your husband could improve in so many ways as I have, but you may find that you will always have that knack for finding the negatives things or going back to stuff they have slacked on from being worn out with all the “work” and no “benefits” of their efforts.

            I truly believe and she would acknowledge if asked that I have made many great improvements from any habits or unknowns I was bad about in the past, yet somehow the quality of our relationship continues to degrade. I’ve been able to be so patient by setting goals such as — oh when she gets her RN license things will be better, when she graduates school, starts work, etc etc, – things will finally fall into place and we can be “happy” again like the first couple years together…. Guess what? Not a single difference – we continue downhill no matter what.

            We finally closed on a house – the next goal — maybe once everything is settled and in its’ place then all the pieces will fall in…… Sure….. My patience is non-existent now – I only have a sliver of hope remaining. Even her brothers are amazed that I’ve been able to handle her so long – they have told her and she agrees… wtf…. But we are nearing the end of the road. I need a relationship I can be comfortable in and not be walking on eggshells in my own home.

    2. I feel exactly the SAME! Constant fights that make me SAD, unhappy. No connection to my hubby, I feel disconnected. Our fights end up with threads to divorse. And I feel that one part of me wants that. I want to be alone with my baby. No fights, no depression, no sadness, I want that!

  36. I’m so glad we’re not the only ones in separate bedrooms. I feel like I have a roommate and lost my husband. I hate it.

  37. I’m not a mother, I’m not pregnant, I’m a 36 year old single woman. I was just browsing as I think it’s an interesting topic affecting many people I know. I must admit, it makes me never want to have children! That being said, I do have an abnormally high sex drive for a woman. I find it hard to imagine even kids would kill that. Now I’ve just gotta find a man who can put up with my incessant shoulder taps between nappies!

  38. I’m 35, my husband 37, we have been married almost 4 yrs. He is really insistant he wants a baby. Well for starters he doesn’t think things through. Also he knows of my intense hatred for children. I think he thinks I’ll feel differently once it’s born. I love our marriage just the way it is. I know a child puts distance between spouses, he just doesn’t get it! He knows I don’t want a child. I asked why he wanted one he said he didn’t know. Help!!!

    1. howdy Help!

      RUN!!

      Seriously, kids are probably the best test for a marriage ever! Which is probably why mine has sustained major damage that no time, counseling etc will be able to repair.

      Hold your ground and be careful! If he is crazy serious and doesn’t think things through, you could wake up in the middle of the night to unplanned fun unless you are on the pill but nothing is 100%

      I honestly have not found one truly truly happy couple yet that has had kids. Most are just pretending and go through the motions but at least half of their time is spent on the more negative side of the spectrum.

      Be careful and good luck! Stick to your gut!

  39. Sadly, husband and I weren’t all that close before baby, now almost 6 months old. We have another daughter (9) and we live on small incomes, one car, a small apartment etc. so life can be a little bleak. I don’t need a lot to be happy and would be thrilled if at least our marriage was decently close. Unfortunately, he is a trades worker and hates his job, so everything orbits around that. If he hates the location/boss/parking situation/co-workers/what-have-you, he’ll just stop going regularly until they lay him off. Then money is tight, he feels low and lousy, he’s lethargic and moody, and the tension between us just grows and grows. This does absolutely nothing for an already meagre sex life. He feels useless, I’m angry at how useless he acts, and neither one of us feels like boosting the other anymore. I still want sex, romance, something, but I can see how little he cares and I’m tired of wailing against what is obviously now a lost cause. In the past year, we have had sex a pitiful three times. And what’s more sad is that it was perfunctory, forced, even boring. I’m the only one who brought it up and made efforts to fix this, but that started years ago and I’m out of energy to try and continually get rejected. He’ll occasionally playfully smack me on the butt and say ‘we should do it later’. But it’s in a jokey tone and never with a look or a touch that says “I want you”. And then later comes and it’s just tv and beer; no follow-through.

    I eat well and walk everywhere, so in addition to the burned calories from breastfeeding, I lost my baby weight within a few months. I put on makeup and dress nicely by the time he’s home, I haven’t ‘let myself go’. I try to be cute, funny, smother my bad feelings and appear ‘up’ whenever possible. I have been told “men don’t want to talk all the time, all you want to do is talk” when I try to shed light on our issues, so I’ve stopped doing that. I try to cook nice dinners and keep the place super clean, to my own detriment (I’m always tired). I feel now like this family is a juggling act and the weight is overwhelming. With no fun to look forward to, and the exhausting schedule of a youngster and new baby, and financial woes – no sex or romance feels like the final crashing failure. My self-esteem has taken a total nosedive.

    I don’t have any girlfriends and don’t have a lot of money so my life kind of revolves around the kids and him, which is not at all what I want but I don’t know where to start fixing it. How is our time spent together? Watching his choice of whatever on television, usually sports or a boring documentary, having a few beers, sometimes too many and I go to bed alone, feeling unsatisfied and deflated. I stopped speaking up long ago. I don’t like what I’ve become. The passion and fire has gone out of me. Whatever I have left is used for the girls, who can probably see how unhappy I am, and I feel horrible about it. They are so wonderful, healthy, beautiful and sweet, despite the tough times and challenges. I want to give them so much better but I’m usually acting alone and it’s getting really hard.

    He sleeps on the couch every night and did so years, before the baby was born. He stays up till well least midnight watching t.v. and eating junk food. After work he needs a nap lasting a few hours, which means he’s not able to help much during the evening routine; he gets up when everything’s done. If he does have energy or joy, he usually feels like taking it out of the house, to a pub or to see friends in our old neighbourhood, all of whom are potheads. None of them are just regular people. Even worse is me, who was never super-social but now has nobody. So the only relationship I really have is my husband and we’re not close. Shame on me!

    So the choice is – split up and start taking steps towards my happiness, take away the distraction of a crappy marriage and be far better for the girls. BUT, be even more broke and hurt them by splitting up the family. Or – stay together and keep going through the motions, just accept I picked a selfish, lifeless lemon, and try to make the most of it, sacrificing my own happiness.

    Not a choice I would wish on anyone. I’m horribly sad. But somewhere in me knows that I still care and I have passion for life and desperately want things to be better, which I know requires not hope but action! He has given up on life but I haven’t yet. And I feel sometimes like as long as I help make those girls into wonderful, happy and confident women, I’ll have lived an important life.

    1. Hi Sarah. Very nice post! (or bad depending on which way you look at it ;) ) It is a very tough situation you have indeed. Biggest question to answer – do you want your two daughters growing up thinking that is the kind of guy they need to be destined to find and live with as you have?

      Finding real friends is tough – much why I feel very alone in the world for the same reasons when your partner can’t make your needs a priority and have no passions to live for (children should usually do it..) …

      I hope you find the strength to do what you know your gut is already telling you. As with many things – the mess will get bigger before it gets better so stick to your guns and the future role model life you can show your daughters what is possible.

      I was extremely fortunate to come from a crappy childhood like that too, but the difference being I had a few select other role models of family situations through friends that helped show me there are many ways you can live your life and to an extent, truly anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

      Good luck
      Open to chat any time
      adrian_carguy with yahoo or kik

  40. After the birth of our second son I had a couple of weeks off and did everything whilst our prem baby remained in hospital. All washing, all cooking cleaning, Looking after our older son, and our step children. All she had to do was get stronger and help our son get stronger. I figured I had the easy job. I stayed up late and got up early keeping the house warm whilst she slept and pumped every three hours or spent time at the hospital. When our son came home this coincided with me going back to work which was night shift and sixty hours a week. I couldn’t look after the kids in the evening or cook dinner as I wasn’t home. I also would stay up and get the kids off to school. Then she started resenting me sleeping during the day. I tried grabbing a couple hours sleep and then dropping them off to school and she would just say no she would do it. So I resented waking up for no point. So I slept through and now it feels like she resents me more for getting sleep. When I go to work Sometimes she won’t even acknowledge me leaving.. She also took baby out of our room and sleeps separately from me. I went to give her a hug and she physically turned away from me. When she goes to bed on the weekend she says to each child good night I love you, then as she walks past me says cya tomorrow. I’m doing my best trying to spend time with the older children and new edition as well. I try and do as many chores as possible during the day but she beats me to them whilst I’m asleep. If I offer to do things it feels like she won’t allow me to do them to validate how she is feeling about me. Money is tight and the pressure is on to pay all bills but I am managing it I’m doing my best yet I totally feel like a room mate and I hate it. Life is extremely lonely surrounded by the people I love. If i could breast feed I would be up doing it but I can’t and if I could she wouldn’t let me anyway such is the conundrum of how she is.

    1. Paul, sounds like you’re doing a lot to help out! Have you tried having a conversation with your wife about her expectations? Not to say that you have to do everything she’d like you to do in a perfect world, but have you asked what is it that she wants?

      It might be a simple matter of picking up a few extra chores in order to decrease resentment–maybe, just maybe. Either way, having a candid conversation about how you’re both adjusting to the new reality of life with a newborn and big kids to care for might be an opportunity to see where you both stand: what works, what doesn’t, and what can you do. If you start from a place of “I want to work better as a team,” I doubt you’ll meet with too much resistance :) Good luck!

  41. How about marriage while you’re pregnant. I’m having baby number 2, and I remembered hubby being very distant while pregnant with my first. I remember that I craved his attention so much, but he just ignored me. I would cry alone at night and when I told him about my feelings he said and says that I am spoiled. I am not a stay at home wife and do not rely on his paycheck I am fully capable. I just want hugs,kisses, sex, emotion while Im married and pregnant.

  42. my husband just packed up and left for mere trivialities. he wants his way in raising our son as a pure vegetarian… and that we mustn’t eat eggs either.. or there must be something more to it.. I know it has been too haranguing and forget dry spells… as many have mentioned.. I barely got a smile at home ..instead he started throwing his lunch box in the sink angrily during my pregnancy. my mum came to be with me and still my husband never talked to me. I spent days on the couch crying on her shoulder . my husband would go on Saturday afternoon and come back at 11 pm.. he had a brother nearby too. I presume he went there.
    otherwise he used to go for 3 hour walks to talk to his parents on the phone about the happening in our house when my mum was there. it s an indian arranged marriage and he just thought like it is in our village movies… that he can up and leave after having a baby..no doubt if you saw the baby you would think a mad man would leave such an angel… baby is so gorgeous….I do not find it annoying.. I find demanding difficult selfish spouses as the annoyance.

  43. What I’ve noticed is that most women here only refer to their own side of the story. In most cases funnily enough it is to no ones fault that couples drift apart. Both are tired and probably not in their best places en both have the right to be so. Keep realising that and talk. Date, kiss, recover old memories, visit friends together, go on holiday without the baby (for a lot of ppl a taboo), get yourself cleaned up en have a little faith in your hubby, he might not do things the way you want it but that doesn’t mean he is doing it wrong. Let him attach to the baby. In the end it is both your baby and not just yours. A lot of men feel from the start like they have no say in the babies life whatsoever. And counselling is always a good option and nothing to be ashamed of. Divorce should always be your LAST resort because of the negative effects it can have on your child’s life.

  44. Thank u so much for coming forward about this. Before i found this post i felt so ALONE! My husband and i just had our first child a month ago and we’re doing the separate rooms also…i truly hate it…i feel so disconnected from him right now. Hopefully everything will soon go back to normal or close to it

  45. My name is Ruth i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to Dr Zaza who brought back my lover that has left me for 6 years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get my man back to my life because i love this man with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was doing some reseach on the internet when i saw a lady giving thanks to Dr Zaza and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my lover back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to be worried that my lover will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my love voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to live for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address: (drzazaspelltemple100@hotmail.com) or call him on +2348103508204.

  46. Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Edwin Wallace i live in United State,and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(drakugbespellhome@gmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {drakugbespellhome@gmail.com},i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr clement for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.(drakugbespellhome@gmail.com }, Thanks..

  47. We are at that point, fourth child, three months old, wife is breastfeeding, and it’s really a nightmare. We were the happiest most amazing, ‘best friends’, have-sex-daily, sort of couple, but then ‘click’, gone like it never existed. She genuinely acts like she hates me, like when I am around, she’s irritated. This did not happen with our first and third, but it happened BAD on our second eight years ago, where my wife literally hated me (she basically even admitted that she wanted us to hate each other so we could not be close near the end of breastfeeding our second child back 7 years ago.. It led to significant problems during that time (some violence [like smashed lamps and stuff], but also some of the big problems, like this: please move out hubby, so my mom can move in to help out with baby– no lie! I can tell we are in that same phase now here again in 2014. I have accepted that she’s basically ‘gone’ for a year or two, I understand it’s all nature, she can’t help it, it’s normal., blah blah blah, I get all t hat! But what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Be basically an unmarried single person and not interact with her? it’s really an unlivable situation: she’s mean, dysfunctional toward me, rude, yelling, all so so so so so OPPOSITE of just ten weeks ago when she was still pregnant. She is getting nasty too: like she invites her mother to our house to stay for a week, and she’s so so sweet to her mother (and her mother has been so cruel to my wife, her daughter, through the years that you’d not even believe it, but she nevertheless gets my wife as the sweetheart). They will sit and talk, my wife really really listens to her, they laugh together, it’s really a wonderful scene. Then I come around and my wife yells at me to stop sending her ‘stupid emails’ because she does not have time to read them. I think I am just going to move out, literally, for a year or two. I also would like to say that I am not a cheater (i can be honest here about that, too, since this is anonymous). I really only have sexual attraction for my wife, and I genuinely don’t want another woman, and I know many men will not believe me, bu,t I really don’t feel any lust or attraction to any other woman I see. So, moving out really is just a coping mechanism or something. I dunno. This is one huge huge mess. Anyway… Don’t mean to vent/complain here, but my entire life is crumbling and it just felt good to type out this message.

  48. Oh, and one more thing… I read in a lot of these forums, people saying things like, ‘oh, the men have to just understand, that it’s normal,’ blah blah. I’d like to see all those women suddenly experience their husbands completely and totally uninterested, like that spark of love and couple status suddenly just shut off, more interested in their mothers than even interacting with their spouse. Yah, I’d like to see how well all the women all just ‘accept’ all that. Yah right, is what I say. I told my wife that if this was reversed, she’d act much more negatively than me. She genuinely agreed. One more point, if there is a God, that entity must be the stupidest thing imaginable to create a species (humans) to have all these post-birth situations, but then put in their Bible, that ‘couples should lust after each other’. what a joke. This is a stupid universe/reality we live in. I am going to become an atheist. Sorry for the negativity, i know all of you come on these forums wanting something light, but when your entire life is falling apart, it aint smurfy, and I think everyone is in denial, because breastfeeding mom is a mom, NOT spouse. Nobody warned me about all this before having children, before standing on the alter. I did not know my mother in law would get my wife’s care and attention, and i’d be poo.

    1. I get what you’re saying Stan. First child we broke up for 15 months until she stopped breast feeding. Second child 4 weeks after birth and I am scum to her and it’s been 5 months since then. I haven’t moved out and won’t because it’s now also about Our older child, I’m not giving him up too. So I percervere and hope she comes around whilst she sleeps in the baby’s room and I sleep alone in ours. Life would be less lonely being by myself, and I have no control over anything to do with our children. I love my boys and I love my partner even though it seems she hates me. You have four children together, you have to keep hope and concentrate your time and effort into them. In time she will see what a great father you are and fall back in smurfy love.

      1. I have no idea how old this post is, so you’ll probably never read it, but there is a theory that this happens so that women don’t accidentally have children too close together. Natures way of making sure the siblings are spaced out.

  49. I think what hurts the most is that, when you think about having kids and starting a family with someone; you realize the drastic change that occurs within yourself. I’m 24 and my daughter is 11 months old. My husband and I dated for 5-6 years before starting this new chapter in our lives. Since our daughter came into our lives, I felt a sudden distance between us. I breadtfeed constantly, (due to her hating formula), I put her to sleep as her father rests peacefully in the bed. We have sex oftn and its enjoyable… maybe not enough weekly? 2-3 times a week? His drinking began to increase, as well.. He is disrespectful to me and says things to the baby about me.. i.e. ” I hope your my daughter” … and “your mom is crazy”, “she doesn’t care about you”, juwt being mean for no reason and I don’t do anything to him to persuade him. I never realized how mean he was… up until we had our daughter. So, I talked to him about it with all honesty and he suddenly says he was just joking.. “c’mon, you don’t get a joke?” He said. I say to myself, “wtf… is wrong with you..?”. His rudeness, disrespectfulness is pushing me further and further away from him and our paths are seperating more than ever. He doesn’t even compliment me or show appreciation to being his wife and mother our beautiful daughter. Just this week.. he’s been taking his phone with him everywhere and even to the bathroom.. I just smile and laugh. I’m at the point where I just don’t care about what he is doing anymore.. I’m tired of his childish games he’s 27… but it’s all good. If he wants to leave… then so be it..

  50. Ladies be grateful that you have a husband sleeping in the other room or what not. Mine walked out on us when Baby was just 3 weeks old. He said he didn’t think our relationship was ready for a child… What??? This pregnancy was planned! I’m heartbroken, devastated, & lonely. As hurt as I am by things he’s says & fine I still hope he will come back. I will never understand this.

  51. hi, thank you for your post, reading it helped a lot
    it feels like my husband doesnt really want to spend time with me.. he is unemployed so he is around the baby quite a lot during the day, although he has to run some errands and spends time away from home every day.. in the eveninf from 9 to 11 the baby sleeps quite okay and we could spend some quality time togehter alone.. but last two weeks, he is almost never home.. or if he is, then it is only about the sex and then he falls asleep.. today he was in a bad mood and had to go out with friends for some beers (looks like if he stayed at home with me, I wouldnt have been able to better his mood).. he just doesnt like to spend time with me alone, he is probably fed up with me, especially with me being sad, but I get sad because Im lonely and miss spending time alone with him.. it just looks like a vicious circle I am not sure we will ever get out of.. especially when he doesnt want to spend time with me.. god it hurts like hell, sitting here alone and wasting all this precious time while my baby sleeps crying

  52. Why is female sacrifice viewed so depressing. I am an involved father and I fully realize that things will never be the way they were before the newborn. Shoot the same applies to getting married. I get sick of hearing the modern mother whine about no longer having her prechild glory. It’s called parent for a reason.

  53. Thanks for being so frank and honest. Life with a newborn and a toddler can be tough on a marriage. But, you are right. This, too, shall pass. It is only a phase, just like a hundred other ones that you have gone through and will go through in the future. Each has a different impact, but each will eventually fade. Things may not ever be quite the same as they were before having kids, because both of you will change and grow with those babies. Hopefully the end result is a stronger marriage and partnership, not a weaker one, because of how far that you have come together. Thanks for sharing.

  54. Just stopping by to say “Thank You,” for posting this. I’m a mother of the sweetest 3 week old, and have a distant acting husband. I’ve been crying all night and your post helped me feel less alone.

    Thank you

  55. Thank you for this. We have a 10 month old now and I have been studying for medical school exam and sometimes it seems like my husband is so selfish and I need him to step up right now. Im so ashamed to admit that we act like we hate each other sometimes. Im really hoping it gets better soon.

  56. I feel totally helpless. I loved what my husband and I shared before our little one, and I was so confident we’d be the kind of couple who could blaze through the chaos and come out, lovingly, on top. Twelve weeks after her birth, we constantly argue. I can’t stand being in the same room with him, even though all I want is to get along. I love him more than anything, but I don’t like him, and I don’t think he likes me. Becoming a mom brought out all of my suppressed Type-A flaws… the controlling, bossy, neurotic side. He’s become less and less involved in keeping our relationship healthy and fulfilling- he even refers to watching our daughter as “babysitting.” Everyone says they get through it… the hormones, the platonic phase, the fighting. I hope they’re right. It’s hard to keep faith when you suddenly find yourself feeling partnerless. I had such high, romanticized hopes of starting a family and instead I feel trapped- walking on eggshells and succumbing to the ridicule just to keep peace. I hear the things coming out of my mouth and know we’ve never spoken to eachother in such a way, but can’t choke them down. I know I’m hyper sensitive, but the fear of losing our connection keeps me internalizing every little thing until I blow up.

    Having children and maintaining your marraige isn’t impossible, but it’s painfully exhausting. I cab honestly say I suck at it, but I’m hopeful we fall back into step soon.

  57. Wow! This is 150% what is happening in my life now! I have a 11 week old and my first daughter just turned two. I’m so glad I read this because I know it’s common and not just happening to me. I’m not worried now as you say it’s only for now. I lnow things will get better. Thank you so much for posting this :) sometimes I start to over think things when it’s all pretty simple and common. x

  58. We got through it pretty well with DD1 who is now 4, but our DD2 is just 6 weeks and the resentment I feel towards my husband is very strong. His work is physical but not stressful. It is fun with plenty of people to banter with and have a laugh with. Am I out of order to be offended that he already wants to return to sport at least one full evening a week? I am happy being at home with dd2 but I have only managed one half an hour escape to the supermarket on my own so far, due to breast feeding and dd2 being very unsettled, and I resent his freedom all day and now in the evening too.

  59. Well It has been very hard I went through a horrible time with postpartum depression witch was hard on me and my son and mine and my husband relationship. I feel as if we are room mates my passion for him is gone we have know time for our selves let alone each other, he gets to spend more time with our son our son is closer to his father than me witch tears me up inside. My bonding with my son was delayed due to the severe postpartum he is 19 months now and it has gotten better I feel bonded with him and love him very much but I see that him and my husband have this special bond that I don’t have. I feel very unattractive I was over weight when I got pregnant and after having our son lost a lot of weigh but due to the depression and meds have gained all the weight back pluse 20 pounds. I feel as if things have changed so dramaticley that I feel they wont ever be the same, I remember being so in love with my husband that soul mate kind of love I, knew the moment I met him I was going to spend the rest of my life with him I just knew it. I would rather get a good night sleep than have sex with him I know that sounds bad but its true and it sucks so badly. I feel that my beautiful baby boy just sucks the life force energy out of both of us I think about what I did with all my time before I had him. I am so heart broken over this I am seeking counseling for the postpartum but I thing me and my husband are going to half to do counseling together in order to make our marriage work. I loved my husband so much that I wanted to share that love so I thought we should have a childe what could go wrong shit was I dumb lol. I feel like my marriage is worse for having a kid I know that sounds harsh but that’s how I feel I am not saying our child is a mistake I love him dearly and would go through this all over to have him I am just saying that every thing is so screwed up. I really don’t know what to do I feel hopeless I do dream it will get better but I am getting tired and week holding on if any body has any words of wisdom please share thank you for letting me tell my story.

  60. After my first baby I have become totally unhappy with myself my life my marriage everything I love my baby but it has definitely changed my life so much this was an unplanned pregnancy and not trying in my 8 year marriage this was a major curve ball I feel unappreciated and I feel like what I do or feel simply doesn’t matter bc it’s simply a moms duty I’m alone 95% of the time and never do I really get to enjoy time alone I dunno what to do but I do know that 5 months of being a parent n I’m just fed up

  61. Wow…I am definitely feeling better after reading these posts and I’m glad I’m not alone.

    My daughter turned 3 months a week ago and I couldn’t be happier with this wonderful gift from above that was given to us. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years and we have ALWAYS been very loving and affectionate with each other. I love my wife more than anything in the world and can’t imagine my life without her. I can count on one hand the amount of fights we have had over the years as she is very understanding, supportive and just an overall amazing person. Our communication has always been outstanding as I have always taken the initiative to make sure that this was a priority in our relationship as I’ve learned from past experiences that communication is the key. We got married almost 3 years ago and made sure we traveled and had fun together before we started having children. She has never tried to change me and always loved me for who I was and I really think that we have as solid of a relationship than anybody I know.

    From day 1 when our daughetr was born, everything suddenly felt different and for good reason due to the enormous amount of changes that were taking place. I was a little perturbed with the lack of affection/attention I received the first few weeks since I felt ‘neglected’ to some sorts but of course I quickly realized what she must be going through with the nursing, hormones, bodily changes, lack of sleep etc. so I stopped my self pity and was able to redirect my feelings and become even more supportive of her and the baby than I previously was. We slept in separate rooms for the first 2 months during the week when I had work but on weekends we slept in the same bed. Now that the baby is sleeping good at night, we are back in the same bed full-time and things seemed to start getting better. At times I would tell her that I missed ‘Us’, as in our relationship and how there is very little of it and she would say the same. We communicated about our relationship a little at a time here and there but I didn’t want to talk too much about it because she already has a ton of pressure with taking care of the baby and she goes back to work in a month and i know she is not looking forward to it as she would love to be home with our daughter for a little longer since she also is a tough one when it comes to naps and sleep in general. We have only had sex once since our baby was born and it was nothing to write home about as right in the middle of it the baby started crying and my wife pretty much wasn’t into it while we were at it anyway because she said it hurt after having a C-section so no big deal. I’m fine with limited sex right now because I understand she doesnt feel attractive with some of her weight gain and lack of feeling good about her appearance but I could care less about all of that and I love her no matter what, but I do understand and we did communicate about how she feels and I know she has no desire for intimacy at the moment.
    What concerns me is the lack of affection in other ways like when I try and hug her. She hugs me back but there is virtually very little feeling in it where as before we had a to of affection for each other. I understand she is tired and drained but I also see her knit picking at things that were never an issue before and I feel a distance from her that I never felt even remotely close to before. The other issue is that I notice that when I am playing with my daughter, my wife seems jealous that I get such a positive response from her. I can just look at my baby and she will start to smile and laugh as I have built a good beginning bond with her and spend alot of time with her when my wife needs a break. She makes comments/jokes that she’s a daddy’s girl and will get along better with me when she gets older. As I mentioned, our daughter has alot of troubles taking naps and last night I was able to put her down for over an hour which is a big deal at this point. Her brother said ‘nice job’ when he noticed it and she made a face and a little sarcastic sound when he did so. Soon after, she got verbally upset at me when I said I felt she had a bit of a ‘tude’ and I said it in a light-hearted way. I have never seen her get upset over such a small thing and there was tension for the rest of the night. When we went to bed we both felt better and started talking. When she saw the baby she commented how she loved her so damn much and it was so passionate in her voice, almost the same tone she used to tell me how she loved me. I jokingly said she loved her more than me and she said that I did too! Huh? I told her that was not true and that without my wife I wouldn’t have a daughter and that she was an extension of our love for each other. She try to play it off but she basically admitted it and i was a little taken back by it. She then mentioned that she saw a TV show talking about this same topic and that most women admitted to loving their children more than their husband. This sent me into an emotional funk that I am in and is the reason I wrote this. I almost feel like I never would have even considered having children if I knew she would lose feelings for me. I was always well aware of the challenges with having kids and getting married but not once did I think she would feel different about me, especially this fast.. of course now I am questioning so many things and although she tried to take back what she meant it was pretty damn hurtful. I am a hands-on, 100% involved dad who does everything I can for her and my daughter.

    I just fear the worse and hope we can be intimate in small ways. We have done so on a few occasions but everything seems so damn ‘blah’! The information I have been reading on here has been helping e understand more but from some of the responses saying they totally have lost all feelings for their spouses is what scares me

    1. Hi MJ.
      your post is a couple of months old, but I just wanted to see how things are going?
      I got really sad when I read this and actually thought for a second that it could have been my husband!
      We have an 8 month old son and are going through something very similar. I am not particularly nice to my husband anymore and I make him upset and unhappy at times and I hate that!!
      I feel like I have no control over it and he frustrates me over little things, and we bicker all the time now, when we never use to!
      My husband has been quite honest with how he feels about all this, but also super supportive and says he understands, even though it makes him sad. Knowing how he feels has really helped me lately to take his perspective into things. I have really been trying hard to be back to how I used to be. Its not all the time, and its not exactly how it was but I am trying. Its not natural like it used to be and its definitely a conscious effort to hug him or not get annoyed, but I am trying bit by bit.
      I feel really sad because I know my husband feels similar to you and that sucks.
      I know that you understand that its normal and very common, but it still doesn’t make it easier.
      Try talking to your wife. Tell her how it makes you feel. Remind her of the good times, and tell her you are not pushing her, but maybe ask her to try to be a little bit more how she used to be.
      Make her laugh if you can.
      Anyway, I hope things have improved for you and your wife!

  62. I honestly couldn’t have said any of this any better. everything in this post is on point. This is my first and hopefully only marriage, and we just had a baby six weeks ago. the baby is finally getting on schedule so I have been able to sleep in the bed with my husband but even that, their is no more cuddling. I have to keep the door open because the baby doesn’t like the dark, so my husband turns his back towards me when it’s bedtime so he doesn’t have to face the light. I almost decided to go back to the couch and bring the baby with me in his bassinet last night. Ugh. Good to know I’m not the only one in this sinking boat. He works long hours so by the time he gets home he needs his “me” time and between feeding the baby, making dinner, washing dishes the night is almost over and all that is exchanged was how was your day. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon about our new baby, but I want our passion back. Thanks for the post.

  63. My husband blamed me for getting pregnant. When he found out he was going to be a dad our marriage went down hill. He wouldn’t sleep with me couch or if it was nice out the back of his truck. He worked all the time, wouldn’t answer his cell phone or work phone if I called. When I went into labor he never showed up, he had other plans! HE got rid of everything we owned, cars, credit cards, apartment, furniture, all insurance, clothes, quit his job. I had nothing no money no place to live and a big hospital bill.
    He completely checked out. also he destroyed all of his ID he doesn’t call his parents or sister.

    1. Sounds like he missed out big time. Such a shame. His loss. And your baby is an angel and awesome to know, right! Let this lead you to somewhere and to someone better. If good things havent already happened for you, believe that better things are coming your way! Bless you and your sweet child!

  64. I have a 5 month old and 3 year old. I’m on maternity leave. My 3 year old is much closer to me than her Dad. He struggles with patience, and had no tolerance for crying. If he can’t fix it quickly, it turns to anger. When things are going smoothly, he’s a great and creative Dad to them. He feels his job is stressful, and is exhausted after he comes home. If supper isn’t ready when he gets home, he gets grumpy. He says I’m just a mother of two. That that’s all I am.

    1. No not failing! Succeeding! You are doing everything you can. There is a lot on your plate and your husband’s. And it sounds like he is struggling to deal with it healthily (no judgment). Bless you for staying by him and continuing to try. But don’t be afraid to challenge him to treat you better. You are a queen. He is a king. We don’t always realize how special we are until after we walk through the hellfire. But sometimes we have to go throigh the furnace to realize the gems we are.

  65. I am so glad I read this. I just did a quick google search along lines of the premise of this article and it came up. I have honestly been putting off googling that for so long! Probably because I am ashamed/ frightened of how I feel.
    My son is 8 months old and I love him more than I ever imagined was possible. I am a person who becomes obsessed and passionate about something and when I do its very strong. For the last 11 years I felt this way for my husband. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything without him, I had this incredibly strong love for him and we had/have an amazing relationship. He is the most perfect guy who has seen me through so much in the time we have been together. He is compassionate, understanding, romantic, affectionate, funny and good looking! And to top it off has always been the most supportive person I know!
    After I had our baby I was very anxious for the first few months, and my husband was there through it all, and so supportive!
    The problem is, that intense love I had has transferred to our baby, and I don’t have that intensity for my husband anymore! (even actually writing this makes me soooo sad!) I know I still love my husband but I hate that its not like before. I find myself getting frustrated at him all the time, and I make him really upset!
    I am really upset actually admitting this! But its comforting to know I’m not the only one who goes through this!
    I definitely do not balance things well. I only work 2 days per week, and I never take time for myself. The only time I’m away from my baby is when I’m at work, and even then I don’t want to be. My husband often suggests that him and I do something just the 2 of us, but I always say lets hang out all 3 of us. I really think I need to make more time for just him.
    We had a loooonnng time after our baby was born without having sex. I was breastfeeding and the hormones meant that I had absolutely no desire. My husband was lovely and patient though, and at least finally that part has gotten more normal!
    Anyway, thanks for ‘listening’ to my emotional rant everybody. I hope I can get these feelings back on track.
    Good luck to you all too!

    1. You will get it back. It sounds a lot like what I went through. Our boy got all my love and my amazing husband took the back burner. I was so sad and frustrated. But recently it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I love my husband…I haven’t felt like this since before the baby was born. Maybe it’s a hormonal, biological drive so babies get what they need from their mommas when they need it most. I started focusing on selflove too…it helped me overcome my fears, doubts, and frustration as a new mom. I feel free like a ton of bricks was lifted and I’m much more tender to my hubby like I used to be. Don’t beat yourself up! Whew! I did. But now I see becoming a parent really put us through a psychological ringer.

  66. I told my close friends how hard marriage becomes with a kid in the mix and I think they have appreciated it. We also talk about this in mom group. I told them not every journey is the same, your experience may be different, but be prepared for having less sex for a while and wanting to claw your spouse’s face for waking the baby, lol. Sleep deprivation. Sexual tension. It really takes a toll at first. But it’s all worth it. Now that our son is entering toddlerhood, in some ways it is easier and we have learned a lot about patience…and sleep is better too. It’s all good and getting better and so worth it! Hubby and I are quite happy.

  67. Crazy but true the situation is same in our marriage…….more then anything feel petrade where i compromise with my sleep,social life,career,physical changes and small little outing where as nothing really changes for my husband. But all these thoughts fade away when i see this little one…….my husband can be forgotten completely now??

  68. I had already tried three different internet spell caster’s services, but all the spell caster I meet were jerks and scams. Then my friend told me about {D.rrivershebalisthome@gmail.com} Spells. I wasn’t sure anything would come of it, but I thought, why not take a chance? I cast a Love Spell, and the very next week a gorgeous guy came up to me at a club and asked me to dance. He is caring, kind, romantic – everything I always wanted. We’ve been together for six months now, and we’re talking about getting married. I’m a believer!” If you need help you can contact him for assistance, EMAIL:d.rrivershebalisthome@gmail.com Posted by Miss.loveth

  69. I had very bad pregnancy vomiting from 1st month admitted twice in 1st month itself so my husband decided to send me to my moms place,me too didn’t wanted him to give trouble so i quit the job & came to moms place,my condition was very bad for 9 months & he took care of all the expenses,now i ve 4 month old baby girl
    Now problem is, he was not supportive in all these 9 months of pregnancy & after delivery except financially,so now i decided to go back to him even though he is not support me in baby thing ,& i don’t no how am gonna make him happy bcz i lost interest in sex ,romance bcz am busy with the baby & i dont like my physical changes & i want to work very badly,if i want to work i ve to send my baby to my mom place or ve to struggle btw baby & work bcz my husband is not interested in baby stuff,& my in laws they want me to be a housewife even my husband,i feel like my career is over,my husband loves his family way too much,mine is love marriage and in their culture girls usually sit in home and do all the house work but i dont want that if i go to work i can earn atleast 30,000rs per month & can pay 3000rs to maid.my in laws & my husband dont want that bcz they think their son earn enough to take care of me & baby .i know its confusing,write me if u ve any suggestions :-)

  70. Hello. Im on the other flip of the coin being the husband. My wife and I just had our first born, a girl a few weeks ago. It seems however that after all the newbaby euphorea, things have started to take a turn for the worst. I work very hard for my family being an electrician for a major US railway. My job sometimes has days were I hardly do anything and days were there is so much work and they need the locomotive repairs to be done end of shift otherwise it paints a big target on your back for future problems with management. However for the benefits and pay its a good sacrifice. Now when I get home I immediately let the dogs out, take out trash and get the post, then I let the dogs in and go into the livingroom and kiss my wife and say goodmorning, spend time for about half an hour watching the little one while she puts on breakfast. I lay little one down or,change her diaper if need before joining her at the table. We discuss the events and work and the plans for the day until about 945 or so. Then its time for my non paying second job, house maintenance. I usually mow, pull,weeds, trim trees, spray and scrub off all the cat pee on the siding because my town has a feral cat problem, i kill the buggers whenever i can with a live trap. If they have a collar i turn them over to the sheriff to dispose of. I hate cats because i fear the parasite they carry, its non curable and quite nasty. Anyway, i also do all the inside stuff like vacuuming, sweeping and mopping. She does dishes, dusting and laundry. About 1130 i take my shower and go to bed, wake up at 530pm, let dogs out and spend some time with the little one til 615pm and then sit down for supper. About 7 I go and use the computer to check the news, pay bills, or play some games until about 845pm. The last 75 minutes are strictly family time with no interruptions. Then at 10pm its time for work, one hour drive. My days off i spend ALOT of my time with them and save all chores for work days. At night i spend time chatting and gaming with friends with a cutoff at 245am. I have a baby monitor in my office and she calls if she needs help or i just go see if i can solve the crying.
    Problem now is she starts sulking in those last moments before work, usually rejecting me or not speaking. Then she sends my phone angry texts that i dont spend any time with her. At this point i almost want to throw my phone against the wall in frustration. Ive tried to tell her that the time i have is my way of unwinding before work, my only hobby. I dont drink or smoke. I given up on seeing friends, what more does she want? I feel like im backed into a corner and i fear that because i get really ugly in those situations. Now she wants me to more or less get rid of my computer. i firmly told her no.

  71. Those breastfeeding hormones are really powerful. It took 6 months after my wife stopped breastfeeding our firstborn before she was anywhere back to the way I remembered and married her. Now We are in the thick of it with the second at a year and a half. I think I have at least 2 more years before I get my wife back again. I am feeling really old and the co-sleeping thing is KILLING me. I really want a second bed to sleep in because the air mattress I usually have to sleep on to get our first born to sleep in his own bed and the couch are preferable to being kicked over and over by the toddler. Every other month I have such terrible back pain that I miss at least one day of work lying on a heating pad for 24 hours slamming pain pills all day. My wife thinks that a second bed would be bad for our marriage and will drive a wedge between us, but God I would love to be able to sleep through the night and wake up refreshed for once.

  72. My daughter is 4 months now and I’m stuck at the house all the time. I occasionally get to go to the store. On the weekends when my husband is home he makes plans to go places with his friends, and once again I’m stuck at home. He says that it’s because I don’t have anyone to watch her , she is out daughter and can go anywhere we go. I’m just so tired of being taken for granted and last night he even admitted that he does that and that he was sorry . I hear it but I see no changes in his actions . does it get any better ?

  73. Marraige is hard with a newborn or toddler. It can get rough and of course i understand its ups and downs, but we are young. Im still finishing college and working full tome and making time for everyone else but me. I feel like if i do make time for me its time i could have spent with my son. Especially since my son is 19 months old and is at the stage where he is all about mom and wont let dad bathe him or help when its time for bed. I feel like im at a point in my life where I do so much for my son and husband that i have NO time for me. Im the one in charge of cooking cleaning and i am a human being and get tired. I cant even relax in the shower bc i know i need to be doing something. My husband is amazing and he is supportive of my education but sometimes i wish he could appreciate how hard i work or try to help me more. I mean i understamd he works alot too but so do i. Doesnt that count as equal? I feel like he should be helping me more. Yet, since we are at this period where we are not together alot and have no “us” time. I feel like if i bring this up he will get overwhelmed and think im nagging on him or push him father from me than we already are… i know this is a phase. But i iust feel soooo overwhelmed!?!…thank you for sharing your story ots makes me feel like im not alone.

  74. I have 9 month old twins and I can say my husband and I are stronger for it. Seeing my husband as a father and experiencing us working together, particular with our twin who is special needs, to make sure they are happy and healthy is romantic….yes, even if it means we have a quickie now that I have the okay from my ob while the babies sleep. I think we are only doing so well because we learned to work together through infertility. You think parenthood is hard, try being infertile and going through IVF! There is nothing less romantic than daily injections, sonogram, minor surgies, a constantly disrupted sex life. I am so grateful we did go through it because we not only have these amazing babies, but we can have sex again and we don’t feel devistated that it will never lead to a pregnancy or child.

    I am sad we aren’t like everyone else and have hard newborn years. I would love for us to be a normal fertile couple. But then I read mommy blogs and posts like this and I am grateful that we are not Lroommates” but we are as close as we have ever been!

  75. This spoke right to my heart. I’m 3 months postpartum and feel like me and my fiancé will never get back to what we used to be

  76. Reading all these comments make me feel better. I finally broke down today, I’ve cried all day non stop, wondering, asking myself whats wrong with me and our marriage. We’ve never fought before not like this, yet our son was born on August 13th, he’s our second. Our daughter is 3 years old and she is the light of this eyes. But the last month its been hard on me. since my son was born he is been very determined to remind me that “not every dad helps out like he does” and every time he says that makes me feel terrible about complaining or even feeling tired. I stay at home with the kids, and i know its not the same as working but he always says that i because “i don’t work” i don’t understand the issues he’s having at work.

    He makes me feel terrible because I work so hard at home, making sure the kids are fed, changed and well taken care of. Sometimes is difficult to keep the house tidy and he will either come home or wake up pissed, he’s angry most of the time, and will find something i have or haven’t done and will rant to me on how i “don’t know how to to anything” or “everything is a mess”. To cope on his day off he goes to drink at his co coworkers house while i stay home all the time, i want him to feel well rested so i never complain even when i need his help. And when i decided to do my hair for me and to make myself sexier for him, he dreaded the 3 hours he had in the morning to take care of the kids, at one point just before leaving the house i heard him say to my son “why do you whine so much, i didn’t want another child.” and to this day he won’t admit he said it, but i didn’t forget.

    I understand that as a hard working dad he needs to vent and he’s tired but I am also tired, after all he does wake up to make the bottle but he goes back to sleep and i don’t say a word, i let him rest, im not a monster i want him to be well rested for work but i feel that he takes his frustrations on me and i feel like i wanna hide in a corner and just cry. I am very emotional, and he even said that “I have been snacking too much lately and that I should stop.” Worst thing is that I’ve been so tired that i didn’t realize that i was eating a little too much lately and thinking about my weight makes me feel even crazier because i was a very healthy person before the pregnancy. I don’t know what to do, i love him very much but the way he’s been treating me makes me feel like a bag of garbage, and then he always “Apologizes” and promises to be better but then he does it again. I don’t want to ever think divorce , i love my family too much but i feel like i get no recognition for what I do and what I’ve been going through not to mention, I feel less than pretty.

    1. I hate to hear about what you’re experiencing. My experience is different in that my wife is the one who is bitter, resentful, and angry. I work full time at a job and she is a stay at home mother. And I fully recognize all she does and I thank her every day for it all. I also am a husband who is more than willing to get up for night feedings, I help when I get home with our daughter, I cook dinner…anything I can do to make life easier, I do it. And it is because of my love for my wife that I do this.

      I pray that things improve for you and your husband. It is difficult when we are hurting like this…all I want is to hold my wife in my arms, to feel her close to me, and to find comfort in each other. I just pray and hope she loves me as much as I love her and that she will never give up on us.

      It will get better. Be brave. Be strong. Love yourself. And remember the good days.

  77. I’m glad I came across ur post! I’m glad there’s hope for things to get better in the future.
    It feels like an endless journey…pregnancy and now 4 months postpartum..I miss my husband…and I miss myself! I’m sure it’s not easy on him either..but spending all day with a baby that needs ur attention and feeling frumpy can really add to the frustration

  78. I’m a FTM and our son just turned 1 year this month. But I feel like this is still our situation, roommates. We don’t fight but there is tension, he’s a great father and has a great work schedule so he helps out a lot. But I’m feeling like the love is gone, on my part, and I can feel the resentment he has towards me about it. He’s frustrated by my lack of affection therefore I’m frustrated by his frustration towards me. I just feel overwhelmed and maxed out on energy and love that I’m giving to this new person in our life that require so much attention. I just feel lost and don’t know how to get back to that place of love for my husband

    1. I think my wife is going through this. It is so hard because I love her dearly, as I’m sure your husband loves you dearly. Remember all the good times. Know that those good times aren’t lost forever. Remember why you loved your husband, why you married him, and why you wanted to have a child together. Be thankful that he cares whether or not you care. And don’t give up. We can never give up on love. It has to get better.

  79. So, it has been really difficult for my wife and myself since our daughter was born 5 weeks ago today. We are lucky because she generally does sleep most of the night. But I am back at work during the day, and my wife is at home with our daughter during the day. I help all I can in the evenings…I even tell her if she needs to get out of the house or whatever, that I totally support that.

    She gets upset sometimes, I guess because it is so difficult being tied down and unable to have time for us. I try to encourage her that it will get better…that I love any and every second I am with her. But I do worry, sometimes. Like I’m at work worrying right now. I love my wife dearly. I pray daily that we will get through this “baby boot camp” phase and that things will get even better down the road.

  80. So I live in a 1 room condo downtown, and my husband thinks his idea of having and stuffing kids into our “living room” with fake walls is a good idea….*almost insane laugh* o_o,

    He has NO IDEA how miserable we would ALL be if not only were the kids basically sleeping in the kitchen-tv room and always disturbing each other’s patterns (having to avoid the space for kids to sleep properly, and kids in the only place we spend our leisure time that would become half the space as before, with literally no room for the coffee table or tv stand), but I’m a socially-anxious introvert with a serious requirement for quiet space, and a space where the kitchen won’t smell like poop as I also have a sensitive nose. But he seriously has no idea what kids are like because he romanticizes the idea itself. After all, he’d be working and I’d be home doing all the dirty work! he even jokes about that -_-.

    He also thinks you can just dump them off at family’s houses whenever you want(note we don’t live anywhere near any family that we are close to, and friends barely talk to me anymore either).

    Even if it’s a joke, I think he’s serious. Um…kids aren’t things you get to decide to just send away and expect them to actually love you still…..when you tossing them off to their grandparents. I think he is confusing having kids with borrowing other’s kids. which he also has never done!. He never even had siblings, so he really has no tangible concept aside movies and his friend’s baby photos on Facebook, where as I have a brother 8 yrs younger and been around other’s kids enough, so I can attest to my concerns and worry he is a bit deluded in what having a kid actually requires.

    And they wonder why us young folks avoid having kids these days….sigh. I can barely stay sane if I’m with my husband 24/7 when were both looking for jobs 0_0.

    I don’t blame him for our living space, especially since we are being somewhat supported by family,, it is the real estate market and those who play it who are to blame here for most of us unable to have decent sized homes now to actually live in them in sanity.

  81. I got married three years ago, and then it was sweet’ in the beginning after a year and few months I gave birth to a male child. at that moment I started facing spiritual falsies in my life, along the process automatically my husband changed his attitude coming home lately and all sort of meaningless things, After a while he said he can’t live under the same roof with me and he left the home. my life was in hell starting from the day my man left home he stopped picking my calls he blocked me on his Facebook account, And i had no other option than to seek for spiritual assistance because sometimes i use to watched some magical things on movies. Finally i found a restoration centre were I seek for help! After getting to one week, I seek help! from restoration home my husband found way back home peacefully. I’m so much grateful everything has finally settled. i sheared my testimony to everyone need assistance to restore marriage’ here is Dr obodu email.. obodurestorationcentre@gmail.com

  82. I’m having a hard time.

    My wife is an excellent mother. Too good, perhaps. Her entire world begins and ends with our son. Leaving room for nothing else, including me.

    She has infinite patience when it comes to him. As well she should. But, I’ll get sharp comments and criticism for any imperfection or if I do anything she doesn’t like. She sets aside zero time for us, and even when I make a romantic, candle-lit dinner and change into date clothes, she’ll just toss on a frumpy nightgown, engage me in platonic banter, maybe have half a glass of wine, announce she’s tired and go to bed. Leaving me sitting in the candle light, drinking the rest of the bottle alone, wearing slacks, dress shoes and an expensive blazer. Sometimes I after she goes on to bed leaving me there, I imagine that there is another woman sitting across from me that does want to hear what I have to say, what I’ve read, and that wants to talk to me about something other than what color the mess in my son’s diaper was, why I forgot to buy batteries, play dates, or private schools. With every passing day that I continue in solitude, I thirst more and more to find that woman.

    I understand that the priority for my wife’s time needs to and should be our son. But there is nothing left for me at all, and I’ve been basically emotionally and sexually abandoned and just enough of a social relationship maintained so as to guilt me if I don’t help out with the chores enough. This weekend, I’m going to have a conversation with her where I tell her that the marriage is dead and has been for months. And I’m not going to remain shackled to the corpse of a once beautiful relationship out of posterity for what once was, nor can I continue to live in solitude and give up on having love and romance in my life for the sake of our son growing up in a two parent home. I owe my son many things. But to spend my life trapped in a loveless, cold marriage is not something I owe him. I’m his father. My life, needs and dreams did not end when he was born. I’m his father. Not his martyr. Besides, even though I’ve paid for it (and do so every month) our apartment feels like it’s their home and I’m just a barely tolerated guest.

    I’ll give her a choice. I need to be in a romantic relationship. Soon. As for who it will be with, I’ll serve her the up same choice she was pushing me on having our son, how she wanted and when she wanted. “With you, or if not, with someone else.” That may sound cold. But I assure you, any parts of my heart that haven’t already broken will break when I tell her. It may disgust you, and I won’t blame you. It disgusts me. I’ve tried everything else to no avail. Every overture, every olive branch. I’ve begged for her to hear me. But, she just says that everything she has goes to our son, and that’s the way it has to be. If she says that again, I’m leaving that night.

  83. Hate to play devil’s advocate but I don’t feel this way. Background, I’m 42, my husband is 50. We have a one year old baby. After she was born, we had to wait 8 weeks to have sex due to my episiotomy (stitches). We made it to 7 weeks. If my doctor hadn’t said to wait, we wouldn’t have made it that far. I didn’t feel frumpy at all, I felt beautiful and my husband could barely keep his hands off so that helped. I didn’t look perfect post-partum but heck, it felt nice not to be pregnant so all I could ever do was focus on how well my body was recovering and what a great job my body was doing. Me and my body are friends, you see. I don’t dig the spider veins, but it’s OK. My body is my faithful pal. Anyway, our sex life is still good, even though the baby is very “high maintenance” she got stranger anxiety very early on, she NEVER liked being left with strangers so our plans to go out on occasional dinner dates and country motorcycle rides never happened. Thankfully we went out a lot during my pregnancy so we didn’t miss out on that time. We have NO FAMILY to help AT ALL. We are new in our neighborhood so we have NO FRIENDS or neighbors to help. In the year since our baby was born we NEVER got a single darn date night. Yes, we miss it. She also stopped sleeping in her bassinet by age 4 months. She slept great until then. Ever since, she has slept very badly (wakes me up all night almost every night) and she also wouldn’t sleep unless in our bed. So despite my disliking the notion of cosleeping with a baby we have had to do so since she was 4 months old. But we still hug, kiss, compliment each other, and we still steal time for sex when the baby is asleep. It’s just not in our own bed! For many months it was in the guest room downstairs during naps. We do bicker a bit more as we rarely ever used to. But we are sleep deprived and time deprived and have no help so we argue surprisingly little. We support each other a lot. This time of our baby’s total neediness will pass. We both adore and delight in her. So, while we are rather suffering, we still have romance, after a fashion. And while we aren’t spring chickens, we are fit and strong and we are very attracted to each other.

    1. So sorry Danny,

      I’m really curious as to what happened since I am in a similar situation. I love my wife but she is cold has robot. Even when we are together it seems like its for her enjoyment and I’m just providing transportation and protection. I once said the I don’t understand how men cheat but now I know. I mean men cheat for different reasons but good men which is what I considered myself is pushed, pushed, and pushed. Imagine having a beautiful physically attractive wife that you love but you can’t touch her, she doesn’t want you to touch her and maybe once a month if she gets horny she will be willing to have sex with you. After that you are on your own. Being told to masterbate to relieve yourself from your wife is literally a blow below the belt. So I’m thinking to myself I wondering if this women at the grocery store or at the mind would mind if I kissed her, hugged her, took her out to dinner, and made love to her. I wonder is she would push me away when trying to hug her. I feel your anger and pain Danny and no one should have to go threw this.

  84. And for a little more background, my baby is also an avid breastfeeder, breast-fed on demand, round the clock, literally. We still have romance. I looked up because I wanted to find out if arguing is normal with a baby. We seem to argue once or twice a week in recent months, which we didn’t used to. And my husband has pretty much quit smoking cigarettes, (he has maybe a half butt in the mornings a few times a week with his coffee at work) which made him sometimes less agreeable than he normally is. Or maybe a bit more irritable, though not too bad. I just wanted reassurance that this is normal, having some arguments when you have a baby. We have a sex life. We love and adore each other. We adore our baby. We support each other. We just have nobody else to support us, and the baby often sleeps like shit since her teeth and now molars started and she started with all the walking and that other stuff that makes them go haywire… I guess we’re lucky to be crazy about each other at our age and with a baby. Maybe I should stop worrying about our occasional arguments, or his little nic-fits… (like getting pissed off the baby’s stroller didn’t fit in the back of the jeep – which is NOT like him)…

    1. Well, congrats. Keep doing what you’re doing and hold on to what you have. You’re very lucky and blessed in a number of ways. I wish I was in your shoes. Be thankful for it and your beautiful relationship. I’m two posts before you. My story didn’t have a happy ending. Because we couldn’t be like you. No matter how hard I tried.

  85. I want to appreciate priest tokubo for helping me to get back my wife with his powerful power, i tried all i could within my power to get her back until i found a testimonies of how tokubo helped people to get thier ex back,now am happy with joy in my heart to share this good news that am living a happy life with my wife now. for my major purpose is to inform those that are in need of getting their ex back to get in touch with this great man, priest tokubo and be happy in thier relationship just as i am….for help you can also get in touch with him through his website, just type, highpriesttokubo. wordpress. com on your browser Thank you once again priest tokubo.

  86. I can’t bear to go upstairs to my husband and instead I’m desperately searching for help and guidance to get me through the next few days/weeks/months.

    My husband is, at his core, selfish and lazy. Never has this been so obvious and damaging as now. We have an 8 week old baby. I actually think she’s good. But he moans that she doesn’t sleep through (his colleagues baby does), that he doesn’t get enough time to relax (he goes to the gym every day, works M-F and still goes out, last night he went out for dinner and drinks, the thing he has is a full day and eve next weekend) and that he wants more time with me without our baby (we don’t have close family so that’s hard but when I arranged it recently all he said all night was about wanting to get home to go to bed early because he was tired).

    We’ve been having sex since about 2 weeks after my c section so that’s not his complaint, I’m the main earner still on full pay so the financial pressure isn’t on him alone the same as some other men and I cook healthy meals every night and make him a salad pack up every day for work plus do all usual chores. He has a strop if I ask him for some time to sleep whenever he gets in or if he misses the gym or the baby doesn’t settle quickly and has even raised his voice at her asking her why and what does she want from him…

    All I’m desperate for is a bit of time to be me and a supportive husband who wants to be there with and for us. I don’t want unusual things just stuff like a shower, glass of wine, time to work on a dress – my hobby, the odd night where I sleep through (the only time I tried this by going into another room he forgot the baby was in the nursery and fell asleep so when she cried he couldn’t hear her).

    But he won’t give me those things, not really. He says he loves me. But he also says it’s hard and he needs more time to get to where I am in terms of how I feel for our baby. Of course it’s tough. I’m with her all day. I understand tough. I’d rather be at work in terms of what’s easier. But…Who the hell gives me time? So I am angry and I do hate him. It would be easier alone – I wouldn’t have this hope that my husband has me and that’s he’s there, which keeps getting kicked aside by him. Never have I found him so unattractive, repulsive even. He seems to misunderstand the new position – if I have to choose, he’ll loose.

    God do I need and miss my husband and the man I thought was going to do this with me. It is hard on both of us but it seems unfair that he gets the luxury of time to strop until he catches up. What if he doesn’t catch up?

    I read that it takes time, it’ll get better. Be patient. But I’m really struggling and I have a genuine fear that we won’t make it until it gets better…

  87. The baby wasn’t our son to her. He was her god. Not only did she give total devotion to him, but devotion to anything else was blasphemy. It was also blasphemy if I had any interests that weren’t in his service, and doubly so if they involved her and also interfered with her devotion.

    She explained it to me this way: he needs us. She has to give 100% to him, and I need to give 100% to both him and her so as to further her support of him. I asked what she thought she owed me, and whether it was unfair that I owed her support but she didn’t owe me anything.

    She was furious. “It isn’t about you!” she’s yell. She sure acted as if she owed me nothing anymore. I’d be berated if I made any mistake or left a chore undone, or not done to her satisfaction (which was a higher bar every day). Nothing was ever good enough, and I could never do enough for her.
    The first thing to go was the romance and sex. Then as she became more disinterested in me, and also became sharper tongued, she wouldn’t even talk to me with basic respect. For all of our son’s needs, she never explained to me how or why he needed her to not have sex with me for eight months, or to talk to me like I was an idiot yet I had to be the soul of deference and respect. Of all of the things she’d do for our son, maintaining a marriage to his father never became anything of importance to her. Yet, play dates, music classes, and art classes were sacrosanct.

    One day, after being talked down to, condescended, and disrespected I asked her flat out “Can you explain, why do I stay with you? You’re not a romantic partner anymore. You’re not even really a friend. You don’t even act like you even like me. Why should I go on living like this? This is miserable.” Naturally, she grew furious and her answer was our son, and that I was his father and that she’s tired of my selfishness and how dare I talk like this.

    I responded “I’ll always be his father. Even if we divorce. I am asking why I am with you. You need to give an answer based on what you offer me in this marriage, because unless you can correct me on this, you offer me nothing but orders and demands.” As furious as she was, she became stunned with a look of complete puzzlement on her face. I had thought perhaps I had gotten through to her. But no. She was puzzled as to the idea about how I “just didn’t get it.” Well, I got it loud and clear. I wasn’t a husband, lover or friend anymore. Just a work drone.

    I wanted to spend my life with someone that would be my best friend and lover. Not an uncaring taskmaster. So, I asked for a divorce.

    That was two years ago. I have an excellent relationship with my girlfriend and we are very in love with and are very devoted to each other. I have a great relationship with my son and he adores her. We just got back from Thailand and we’re training for a marathon together.
    My ex is still alone with nothing but her indignation to keep her company.

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