Sarah 0Comment

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YES!! I’ve been invited to a holiday dinner party! I will get to wear a fancy, sparkly dress. I will get to wear heels! I will get to eat a fancy dinner and maybe I will get to dance with my husband!

Crap. None of my beautiful gowns fit. I need something new. I need something that covers my big chest/squishy midsection/large thighs/small chest… Who sells that dress? Can I get it in every color?

I have small children. I cannot go into a beautiful store where they sell sparkly things. The ladies will surely kick me out or laugh. It will be like the scene in Pretty Woman. I cannot go into a store that doesn’t come with a shopping cart.

I will shop online. I will find a gem of a dress on Amazon.

No I will not. I will shop at a luxurious store, like White House Black Market or Nordstrom. Fabulous people shop there. This is my moment. I will be breathtaking.

Fantasize about going into beautiful store with three children who sit silently while I try on dress after dress. HA. Going into store with small children is ridiculous nonsense. I will order online.

Dress arrives.

What was I thinking ordering a white dress? This dress shows all flaws. I unfortunately, do not look like the 25 year old model on the website. Didn’t I know this?

I need Spanx from ankle to ribcage. And a new bra. Have I really been traipsing around town wearing these nursing bras? My breasts are at my belly button. Oh, the horror.

No time to purchase new dress. Must wear white dress with armored Spanx.

Make mental note not to touch anything in the house while wearing white dress because something sticky or bright red will surely end up in a very embarrassing spot.

Decide to get dressed in garage once husband has car running.

Must purchase all new accessories because obviously, I now need new shoes, makeup, jewelry and bling in my hair to match the Spanx…I mean white dress.

Drive to event with husband. He looks spectacular.

Baby wakes up. Must return home.

Spanx were too tight anyway.

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photo credit: Harrods celebrates the Diamond Jubilee via photopin (license)